My Journey Out

A victim of circumstance

Toronto Chris is definitely not a happy camper. I'm enroute to Canada Friday to play Mountee (I couldn't resist), but for now our relationship is several phone calls per day and Skype video (yes to that question you were about to ask and shame on you for asking). We've started what I did not want to start -- a long distance relationship.

Barely two weeks apart, his big brown almond eyes tear up as we talk. You'd think I've been at war in Iraq for the last 6 months. I wanted a man and got another woman! Ah but he's my pup and he misses me. Sadly, we both know what needs to happen. Either gets us together or get us apart, but get something going and now.

For those who followed this long enough, Toronto Chris (who is turning 25 this month) doesn't drive, lives with his parents and hasn't worked since May (sans some personal cutting). Doesn't sound so hot? Fold me in, married, returned to living with his wife, unemployed. This sounds like a receipe for disaster doesn't it?

Yes it may well be. I smile. The reality is I have no idea where in the world I'll turn up next, opportunities abound and I'm happy that Tiger Cub can trot along behind me on a moment's notice. You see what truly matters is whether the two most important people in the transaction are happy with the circumstance.

It's taken me a long time to figure out what's most important and my laser is focused on that.

 

Smile for the camera

My wife is holed up on the dining room floor for an hour today talking to her sister-in-law in Germany. Hushed tones, murmurs come from the room. Something is afoot.

Turns out her brother, Anthony, a boyish looking 42 yo devoted father of 3, has been caught in an affair. Worse, he'd been caught earlier in the year and professed it was over. Only a received SMS text in the middle of the night last week, had uncovered that it wasn't over. The woman's husband (who lives in the neighborhood) has angerly come over to tell Anthony to "stay away from my wife". The woman, in question, is head of the school PTA and they'd meet at school. I'm just giddy.

What is the root problem? The sister-in-law is a large girl, motherly and teaches school. I ain't doing her that's for sure. But, it seems Anthony wanted to have sex every night and she was just worn out from school work and raising 3 kids. Anthony works as a manager in the car industry and was laid off last year for some months, alone, he professed that she didn't give him much attention.

Men, we're all such little boys aren't we. Sexual infidelity is like getting a new squeaky toy. Exciting, fun, mysterious and just plain hot. Perhaps the root is a couple just not talking openly, scared for the truth to emerge, fearful of sparking an argument, embarrassing another, asking a really hard question. My wife and I rarely fought, it was all bliss nor did my sister-in-law and her husband.

I'm still wondering why I effectively cheated on Toronto Chris this summer. Certainly not because of sex nor boredom and to be honest it really wasn't all that exciting with the cheator. Nor was it for lack of attention from TC. So why? Perhaps because I was concerned that TC wasn't fully committed to me and I wanted to ensure I had a squeaky toy in reserve. Men don't suffer alone well.

Whatever the answer, cheating is the sign of something deeper.

Probably going to wet the floor

"I need to be do'd and bad", Tiger Cub is explaining to me on the phone. Like a puppy left in a dark kitchen for the night, Toronto Chris is yelping about being alone and now horny. Kinda of hard to separate us after living together for 9 months, we miss each other. Thus, I'm going to have to go to Canada next weekend and "do'd" him so he's back to normal.

Saturday night I took Angie (a lawyer in my former company) out to Brasserie Beck for dinner. She in the midst of a divorce with a guy who by all accounts should be the "perfect" mate. But something was missing. Her story had the eery sound of my own. You can't really make a list of what you want, you have to feel it and more importantly go for it. I'm thinking about TC at this point.

The plan was for me to stay at home until I sorted out my next job and get some cash flowing in, probably the first of the year. I've decided I don't want to work for any one company right now and am focused on various consulting stints. I need to be ready to jump when the economy sputters back to life. I've got 2 gigs already in the works. But my plan didn't account for my emotional needs.

So there at dinner, I decided to throw caution to the wind, I need to get my own place ASAP, sub-let a 2 bedroom apartment with a short lease and drag that worthless brown lump of out Canada down here so he can be "do'd" whenever the hell he needs it and I can sleep soundly curled up around him at night.

Progress is never attained with inaction.

Can you make choo choo noises?

Early on in my Dupont Circle discovery period, I found entire circles of married guys living on the down low. A bit of fun, then home to their wives and kiddies. They continue to live a facade of straight life. I found it all quite immoral. Later, I found married guys who were out and clearly homo, but still living at home trying to maintain a family life. They had all sorts of excuses, reasons and explanations. Many of them have boyfriends (who sometimes are married themselves).

Some gay guys are cool with it, others think these guys are cheating the system. Whatever. I'm playing golf and the only competition is myself. So I won't judge what other people do. Each person's situation is different.

After telling Steve (a straight business colleague) an abridged version of this story, he ended the evening by telling me, "Chris - you're dealing with a lot of stuff, but you're doing the right thing, you are being honest with yourself and in a few years I see you a lot happier."

The reality is I am happier. Yes things are still quite complicated. But I do see light at the end of the tunnel (just hope it isn't a freight train). William, my black friend with beautiful sparkling eyes, reads this blog and is no doubt in disbelief at where I am. He and his band of assorted fruits bet I'd fall into the married guy on the down low bucket.

But I didn't. Neither should you. Buck the odds. Get on with YOUR f*cking life and stop being a pussy.

I'm back, ain't life wonderful

After a brief commerical drama moment, we're back and on the air. Did you miss me? Come'on you know you did?

Steve, an old work colleague, calls me. He's in a hotel nearby, wants to meet for a drink. Funny as Steve, his wife and two kids live only a few streets away. DRAMA! Oh boy, finally someone other me!

Drink in hand, Steve is telling my about his martial problems. A minor spat gone bad, the real problem though never discussed. More drinks and I decide to tell Steve my story, the abbreviated 4 hour version. He leans back, his eyes wide as a saucer, "NO f*cking way!", he exclaims, "You can't be gay, you're one of the straightest guys I know!". Dude, I have discount card from Bed, Bath & Beyond - how else do I prove it. "You can't be gay, you're a Republican, you're a racist, you don't even like gay guys".

Let me introduce you to my 24 yo brown puppy and the love of my life. But it's the racist comment that hurt. Aren't we all just a little bit racist? I love white Americans who brag about how open they are. They seem to stammer a bit when I ask how many black friends they have? None, ok, how about Latinos? Asians? I'll lean out a bit further, Canadians (they do speak kinda of funny you know)? None. OK so you're not a racist as long as you don't have to hang out with them. Americans have this vision about themselves that rarely reflects the truth.

So I'll freely admit I'm a racist. But it's pretty broad, I basically don't like anybody to start. We have to mutually gain one another's respect. It's then, I don't care about your race, you become a friend. It's that simple.

Mongo here is stressed. Too many layers of sh*t. I'm working the issues, please hold, your call is important.

Just call me Brittany, ooops I did it again

Sorry for going off the air suddenly. But like all things in our lives, there's always a story behind it. In the last 48 hours, I left DC, went to Germany and London and now I'm back in DC, covering almost 9000 miles. An to think - I'm not even running for anything.

The story begins, sitting at the Dulles Airport, bored, using my handy Blackberry, I fired off a short blog posting "I'll be back". No big deal have done this before. Only I have a new Blackberry and it wasn't configured correctly so the blog posting had my name, mobile number and corporate email address. Oops.

A DC reader who I've met, luckily read the posting and texted me of the fault. I'm sitting on the plane ready to go to Frankfurt. Damn. Think think think. I call Prof. Tim and give him my password and he goes online and deletes the posting. Time elapsed 20 minutes. The plane door closes, all is well, or so I think, and off into the skies I fly.

Unfortunately, life isn't that easy. Google is super fast, seems in that mere 20 minutes, the search sleuth indexed my blog posting. Worse - it picked up my company name and in mere milliseconds triggered a "news" alert to anyone who was following the company.

I'm now over Long Island, blissfully munching my Indian vegetarian meal (I'm going brown in stages, planning for nachos on the way back).

Meanwhile, a lady in my company's PR dept gets the alert, finds it interesting and walks down to our corporate legal offices and happens to talk to Angie, one of our lawyers and the sexiest woman on the face of the earth, who luckily knows my situation. Angie panics and calls Russ, my straight friend. Russ starts to panic as well and he, like the rest of the free world, calls my gay Chicago friend - Professor Tim for help. They are all now panicking that perhaps hundreds of people who are in my company or follow it got a similar alert and are now busy reading this blog.

I'm now approaching Newfoundland, and no, I couldn't possibly drink another white wine, thanks for offering.

The gods must have been with me, because Prof. Tim had my password to control this blog. Russ and Prof. Tim decide to shut the blog down. Time elapsed, less than 2 hours.

I land at Frankfurt in the cold, wet, darkness at 6 a.m. local time. I'm standing on the train platform and my Blackberry goes nuts with the details. I look longingly at the train tracks, wondering, one small step and BANG, it will all be over.

Arriving in Cologne, Germany - I quickly log on to my web stats and lucky for me, no unusual activity or visitors. I wait in silence. Angie, Russ and Prof. Tim are on maximum radar sweep and they also hear nothing. Perhaps this tree really did fall in the forest and no one heard it.

Password protection will remain on for a while longer until this storm has passed.

For hire, but not to you

So the day I get laid off, an old business colleague of mine happens to call, he's in town from California, haven't seen him since 2003, do I want to go to dinner? He's buying. Yes, is my final answer. Down I trot to Il Fornaio's Virginia outpost of this popular California Italian restaurant.

"What's up in your life?", is the first question out of his mouth. Feeling no pain, I begin, "Well I've been sleeping with guys and I think I'm starting to like it." How very interesting, he replies with no expression. OK, how about this. "I have been seeing this guy now for about a year, he's been living with me and he's 24". There that ought to shock the little f*cker. Finally his eyebrows raise, and he calmly answers with a slight smile, "good for you". We spent the rest of the evening talking about technology stuff, just like old times.

I realized that perhaps I'm still too concerned about people knowing my story, when in fact they probably only care am I happy and doing well. Now my friend is from LA and Italian (like from Italy, the real deal), so he's much more laid back & worldly than say a farmer from Iowa. But I realize most of my friends and business associates are all quite worldly, so what is it I have to fear or be ashamed of. Maybe the only person I'm hiding from is myself.

On Friday morning I lite up my business network, "Chris is now available for weddings and bar mitzvahs". Late morning a forgotten colleague now running a NY consultancy company called me. "How is it possible they whacked you?". Beats me, god didn't put any limit on the number of stupid people on earth. "Will you come work for us?". Not interested, I'm working on finishing my toenail clipping collection and it means a lot to me. "OK will you at least review some Powerpoint slides for a meeting next week, I'll pay you a day rate of $xxxx and send a check out to you today". Now I'm gonna have to work this weekend, thanks, Tiger Cub ain't gonna be happy.

 

Left or right, you decide

Gentlemen, it's time to place your bets. Prof. Tim in Chicago has already heard about my situation and called me last evening. I'm not the least worried about work. I'm more worried about Toronto Chris.

Professor Tim is saying it's no contest, Tiger Cub and I stay together. Suddenly visions of me romping about with a dozen Mexican boys in Cabo vanishes before my eyes. Tim - you wanna check the stats again, no serious, just check one more time, for me, yeah, oh I see, not changing your mind. Hmmm.

Prof. Tim's professional reasoning is that for all the drama we seem to create, we're pretty good with each other. "Chris - what else are the two of you going to do, you guys love each other, you see it when you're together". I'm gonna be sick.

So later today, Toronto Chris will re-appear from New York, we'll have dinner and chat, a new challenge is before us. Do you cut n' run or stay and fight? There is no right answer and sadly you can't choose both. Relationships and bonds are built off of experiences. Like tempered steel, it's living through the good and the bad that ultimately strengthens a relationship. We've had a large portion of good so far.

But I can't blame Toronto Chris if he wants to bolt, this gauntlet of challenges is tough to swallow and life should be simpler, an in fact it is, follow your emotion and heart. The coin toss is upon us.

BTW .. weather in Cabo tomorrow is sunny and 94.

Drama begins again

BREAKING NEWS The Euro chief messages me at 2:00 p.m. "Will call at 2:15?". At 2:15 when he calls, I'm driving down the Dulles Tollway, I answer with "What's the package?". My job is no more.

Worried? Nah. When technology companies start the layoffs, they rarely stop and more rarely recover. It's called the death spiral.  In my own experiences, it's best to get off at the first stop, never fun to ride these companies down.

I call Toronto Chris to let him know the news. You could hear his heart drop on the phone, luckily he's coming back to DC tomorrow and we can talk in person. Anticipating this all to happen, late last night I sent him the following email:

Thanks for showing me your love and emotion, I need that and I know it's harder for you to show, you can trust me with it. I hope in time you will learn to not let things build and when they do, let them run off. Saying sorry isn't always an admission of guilt, but simply expressing sadness at a situation and wishing it were different - you sometimes struggle with that emotion.

Not sure how all this turns out, it's a real page turner we are. I don't want you to turn out like the fairy uncle hairdresser who shows up for family occasions and is the life of the party, a friend to all, but deep down sad about how their life turned out. Now is the moment you can and should be taking chances, risking it all, because you can recover, pick up and go on, or take off. You need to map out for yourself how this all works out and be happy with it, because I can't make that decision for you.

You spoke of going to India or Thailand, you have great dreams and those dreams should be acted upon, otherwise they remain nothing but dreams. If that is your inspiration, then run to it and make sure you're not running away from something else. There is never a bad time to act.

I'm not sure what I would do at this point without you,  but I do know, I care enough that I want whatever is best for you, it is perhaps the greatest gift I can give, one of understanding and hope. The seas outside are gonna get rough, I will weather it, make sure you understand the voyage you are signing up for.

Love... Chris

Like father, like son.

A story from a few weeks back, perfect for my otherwise slow news day. I set-up my home office computer so I can access them remotely over the Internet, so I can see the screen, control the keyboard, sort of stuff. So one evening I needed to access a file and logged on remotely from Cologne, Germany.

Imagine my surprise when up popped the remote display showing the website "Fiesta Snatch" in it's full glory. Even better, I see the mouse is moving around, clicking here and there and a short video sample pops up. I got it someone is using my computer.

So I call my house, the answering machine picks up, I calmly leave a message that someone needs to urgently call me back. I continue to watch as someone is clicking around on the screen back in Virginia. A moment later my 15 year old son calls back. "What are you doing?", I ask. "Oh nothing", he replies, "just hanging around." "Ah I see". I then utter the words "Fiesta Snatch". Suddenly the mouse on a screen 4,000 miles away stops moving. "What did you say", he asks. "25,000 Hot Latinas", I reply. The browser window on the remote computer quickly closes.

"Is anyone using my computer?", I cooly ask. "Oh no, no one, I'm just sitting here watching TV", he replies a slight tension in his voice. "I see". Like father, like son I suppose, the power of brown.

Before everyone jumps on me, our household network is normally protected by www.opendns.com and the kid's computers have their own firewall software.

I graduated

I think I can officially say I'm a proud graduate of Queer College. With all the sh*t happening around me, I'm actually quite happy about the things I've learned in the last 2 years. I was re-reading sections of the blog, both good and bad memories. All experiences, though, to be remembered.

I've learned that I'm a one horse rider, not going to date a bunch of people and it's going to be serious quickly or it's not going to be. That I value intimacy over sex, hook-ups don't really rotate my gyros. Intimacy though takes time and you have to allow for it. I want to feel the genuine love from my partner and in return I'll tolerate all kinds of drama. I want some innocence and a wide-eyed look in their eyes about the world around them. It doesn't matter how old or young they are, as long as they're young at heart.

I've also realized that making a mental list of the characteristics of the person I'm looking for it is pointless. It's how you feel with them is all that matters. Finally, if they're light brown, medium build and long black hair, well f*ck all the rules, they were just guidlelines anyways. :-)

Toronto Chris comes back from New York on Friday and I hope by then to have a better sense of things in my life. But he's got to carry his own load, make his own decisions, do his share of the work. He knows it and hates it when we have these parental discussions. But they're not parental discussions. Your parents will always love you. I, on the other hand, may not.

 

Going once, going twice

Toronto Chris called today, steam still wisping around him. "Why didn't you call or email me?" He's still pissed at me. Imagine that. You brown people sure hold a full head of steam (and you damn well know what I'm talking about). But I'm a master brown soother and a few minutes later my cub is purring again. He can win all the battles he wants, as long as I win the war.

But I've been busy on another mission. The mission of deleting personal contacts from my mobile telephone directory. Operating with a simple rule, if we haven't spoken in a year, prepare to be deleted. It's painless, free and you didn't have to do anything.

I stay in touch with a lot of people, drop little notes, "hope you're well" sorta off stuff. Only takes a minute. Toronto Chris thinks I'm cultivating an entire new crop of boys in the background (that list I keep on my other phone). We all like to be thought of, makes you feel good, but oh so few return the favor, I find.

Everyone is so busy, work, social, school, whatever. Busy being busy. Do you not need more friends in your life? I'm shedding people all the time. Those who expect me to do all the work, aren't respectful and of course many I'm just not compatible with (not their fault - just life). You quickly realize that the number of people you enjoy being with is quite few.

I always worry that I might inadvertently wave off someone who could be a real find. Thus I try and give everyone a good sniff, I'll make time for you.

Come on in, the water is fine

"Chris, you're playing in the kiddie end of the pool", Russ is counseling me, "You go screwing around with guys under 30, what do you expect." I'm back in Washington, DC. A stressful but fun weekend in New York ends in drama after I refuse to go sit outside for 10 minutes with Toronto Chris. TC has not tried to call me, of course it would help if my phone were turned on. Russ, my straight friend, has fixed me a nice dinner and an expensive bottle of red and we're watching Californication to put me in a good mood.

TC's 10 minutes of drama turned into 3 hours of misery for me on my lone train ride from NYC to DC. I venture he didn't think about the impacts to me of his last minute actions, or maybe he simply didn't care, or perhaps he is echoing his own frustrations with the situation or it could simply be he doesn't have the experience to handle what is clearly a highly complex relationship. But my misery was quite real, I'm hurt by his actions and I was already wounded. He struck with an axe when a light swat would have sufficed. 

Tiger Cub hasn't figured out how much I care about him, perhaps because no one else outside his immediate family has cared like I do. I'm a big horsey but easily steered, a gentle touch, a soft word and he'd be driving me wherever he wanted to go.

Life is far too short to have all this drama, especially if you care for the other person. You have to have sense of fair play and a wide latitude of forgiveness, you're playing for the long term goal, not today's victory.

I wish I were smoother, slicker, sharper, slyier - but I'm not, I'm clunky, geeky, always obvious and the words sometimes come out in the wrong order. But the meaning of my words reflect my true emotion.

Everyone is an actor

I'm on the train from New York to Washington, the weekend almost gone. Great weather, several good meals, super hotel, meeting with some friends and saw the musical "Gypsy". Nonetheless, my stress level is very high, imagine me, emotionally fragile. Drama, as well, never seems far off either.

After queuing for 1 hour to buy theater tickets, I got 30 minutes of lecture from Toronto Chris on my misbehaving in line. I was in a good spirits but he felt I had played up the "sugar daddy" role with 2 women with whom we'd stood in line with. Tears welled in my eyes as I laid on the bed and listened. I apologized repeatly and some how the weekend went on and the incident was quickly forgotten. 

Today, lugging my laptop bag and a heavy rolling suitcare missing one of its 4 rolling wheels through Penn Station, TC is headed to a cousin in Long Island. He wants to go sit outside, its a great day afterall, but I'm tired of schleping all this stuff and am content to sit on the floor of the station. TC storms off. A short while later I find him sitting in a train car, I wait patiently outside for 10 minutes. He glances up only once and offers a quick wave. Tears once again well in my eyes as his train pulls away. No hug. No kiss good bye. No thanks for the weekend. An otherwise great weekend ends on a sour note, because I refused to sit outside. 

Now I am far from a perfect person. I make mistakes, sometimes even repeating them. But I say I'm sorry. I try and make up for it. I care.

I haven't snapped at Toronto Chris yet. Maybe because he's young and can't really fathom the issues in my life. Maybe I am this horrible troll that needs to be straightened out. Maybe I'm holding on when I should let go because so many other things are spinning out of control. Maybe I just don't have the energy to fight back. I drudge on. I won't have the answer today. 

Happy pup

Down the airport concourse he trots, his black hair waving as he goes, a sly smile appears on his face when he makes me out of the crowd. A quick kiss as we roll into the darkened parking lot. Toronto Chris is back in town.

None too soon, or so it feels. Later that night I sighed and fell asleep holding on to Toronto Chris in the darkness of our DuPont Circle hotel room. In my world gone crazy, he's become the most unlikeliest of stable factors. I should have a clear word from my company by the end of next week on my continued status.

I was in Silicon Valley for the last big boom and witnessed the free meals, espresso machines, pool tables and other "perks". It was all quite silly. The reality a business has to make money to survive and my company isn't and probably will never be able to. Not hard to predict how it ends long term. My instincts were to have moved on at the beginning of 2008. But I was too focused on my personal turmoil, so I'll have to deal with it now.

You just gotta keep on dealing. I'm not aware of an alternative.

We're off to NYC for the weekend. I don't have financial concerns and that's one stress point I'm happy is not on my list. So off I go.

 

Shiny happy people

I told my wife that TC is coming in tonight and we'll be gone for some days. She was cool about it, she realizes he brings a certain peace over me. I've advised Tiger Cub that with the crap economy and job situation, uncertain times, we'll have to roll with it, he knows I'm committed to us staying together and I'll put the force into place to make it happen. Medium term, I'm gonna get back to Europe, crazy Americans.

So kids happy, wife happy, Toronto Chris OK, good friends in the know. We're all just one big happy f*cking bunch of people here.

One reader commented that I've been hacking around with this for 2 years and wasn't it time I got on with the program. Well, dear reader, why don't you pop round for a cup of Java and you can s'plain to me just how you'd of cut the corners here. I'm tired of figuring it out and just assume a "more experienced fruit" help me out with it and alleviate me the trouble.

This whole process seems like a series of endless eggshells. A hallway discussion with one of the executives today, we were joking around and he may some "gay" comment about the pair of shoes I was wearing. It was funny and I chuckled and didn't think anything more of it. Russ (one my straight friends in the know) was standing nearby and later came over with a "did you hear what he said to you". It was a joke, what do I care?

But had this executive known, he'd of been more careful with his comment and with that I would no longer be "one of the boys". Unfortunately, I need to be "one of the boys" to survive so I'm sorry, I'm trying to figure out just how I have to play this so they're not nervous, feel comfortable around me. Because one wrong move and the next words from me could be, "Would like fries with that?".

Note: Toronto Chris busting me for the return of the Latino boy pictures. I don't think this photo violates the rules, do you?

Come on big fella

I'm not that interested in your life, and you can remove the "that" for further clarity. I'm far to busy f*cking up my life to bother with yours. I'm reading other blogs and often left wondering, what's your point and why do I care?

I write every day for YOU and you know damn well who you are. The daddy in the middle of {insert name of some useless state}who was googling along, finds this blog, spends 2 hours reading it and then sends me a page long synopsis of their situation. The synopsis ends with their profuse "thanks for sharing". I likely never hear from them again. I don't usually reply, other than perhaps just a cursory "thanks for reading". That's who I write for, the nameless, faceless soul in dilemma, all the rest of you's are just in the studio audience.

The blogs and letters are often full of hesitation, what's the next step I should make and where will it lead me? Many sadly never make the next step, continually repeating the same actions and thoughts and worse asking themselves why they're not making progress. It's as if the answer they seek isn't blindingly apparent.

The laws of physics apply, if you don't do anything, well then nothing will happen and you'll be subject to the forces of things around you (lucky for me physics wasn't an 8 a.m. class). So I hope dear reader in {name of useless state} that you will decide to take some action and remember that vaguely right is much better than being precisely wrong.

For me, I 'm counting the hours until Tiger Cub arrives on Wednesday. I had to start making a list of all the dirty things I want us to do, ALL NEW STUFF TOO! But sadly, I'm just happy holding his paw.

Home, home on the range

This posting won't apply to everyone, but I have certainly managed to fall into a most complex situation. Uncertain living situation, uncertain career due primarily to the economy, a BF in another country. Funny how the situation only a few months ago seemed quite idyllic.

I'm back home  for the moment but in a Catch-22 situation, living like a suburban dad, dinner with the family but I'm not really supposed to be here like this. It's a bit surreal. In years past, my social life was around the family and friends of the family, other couples and events of that nature. But not anymore. Yes, I could pack up on Saturday night, head into the city alone, but Toronto Chris would flip out and likely for good reason. I automatically go into prowl mode alone in a gay bar.

Our married friends now shun me, for others I'm simply a 3rd wheel, my attempts to reach out to potential gay friends has not met with huge success. We all have our little circles and we are resistant to opening that up. Plus I've been wandering in Europe this past year and long forgotten and may well disappear again. It, of course, can always be much worse.

It will be time soon for decisions to be made. I booked Toronto Chris to fly here on Wednesday. He'll check out a respected British hair school here in Washington and we'll head up to NYC for the weekend. I'm happiest when we're together. I've decided that whatever I have to do, well, I'll just do it.

That statement seems sorta like a "big duh", of course you do what you have to do. But really we don't. We postpone, work around the edges, widely interpret our actions or simply ignore the facts. Gotta hitch my wagon and get rolling.

Note: This is actor Hunter Parish from the Showtime series, Weeds. Trying to suppress my unpure thoughts and I don't usually like white boys.

Marry me won't you

"Being gay is a choice." I'm staring at the screen in disbelief. Did this woman really just utter those words? I'm of course referring to Gov. Sarah Palin in her interview last week with CBS's Katie Couric. Now if you listen to the interview Ms. Palin's response wasn't that cut n' dry nonetheless she hedged. But there was no mincing words in the Vice Presidential debate the question of gay marriage, both Biden and Palin were universally opposed to it.

It defies logic and is the reason I carry my German passport everywhere I go, ready to leave this crazy country on a moment's notice when the nuts finally take over. Most of the European countries have created some legal status for same-sex marriages including Spain (and the pope got all upset because in Italy gay marriage is not recognized).

I'm always amused how progressive Americans think they are. Not all mind you, America is a study in contrasts, for every left there is a right. But America clearly has fallen behind in social thinking. Time to step up the game.

I certainly would want to get married to my partner. I'm telling Toronto Chris this as he rolls his eyes. I wanna bond with someone else, accept some responsibility for them and they for me and marriage is an ultimate signal of that bond.

Canada recognizes gay unions and TC is equally baffled by Americas. Even Brazil does and finally lowly little Mexico (those folks just outside of Houston) have acknowledged gay unions. Did I just mention Mexicans? Oh shit, now look what you've done. ¡Estoy enamorado! ¿Quieres casarte conmigo? Te quiero con todo mi corazón.

Close is not enough

It's hard to imagine that it is now over a year ago I spotted Tiger Cub standing at the Dusseldorf Germany Airport baggage claim on a Sunday morning, hung over and disheveled. Who would have imagined that a week later I would see him again, be living with him 90 days later and now a year later still going strong. I'm one lucky Mofo.

Toronto Chris is yelping on the phone, I've been hedging about our relationship, setting up potentials for an out and he's not happy about that. He's in Toronto, me in Washington, DC. There is a whole side of me that TC doesn't know, but he also knows a side I rarely let anyone know. It scares me how much I have revealed. We've seen each other's darkest and brightest side, we're good complements. I, the more sensible one, he the more sensitive side. We bicker and squabble like an old married couple, romp around like two kids and stick together like high school flames. He's my brown cub and I love him and he loves me. Our story continues, full stop, a committment, a promise, an emotion.

But 2009 has to be about coming together. I wanna get ahead of the game and the sooner I can collapse my world's the better. Family, friends, work, the world -- all need to know about me, Tiger Cub, my life, situation or however you wish to define it. I could give a rat's ass if you don't like it. This being closeted, "out" to a select few or some other dribble seems like a cop out, a life less lived.

I'm not necessarily advocating wearing one's sexuality on your arm, but not shrug from it either. A lot of guys seem scared to admit it or even go to lengths to hide themselves. I'm in that stage today and it's not good. Not good at all. I have to push myself. If Toronto Chris is my partner, someone I trust and value, then he is a part of my life for all to see.

People will accept you as you are, I think, if you accept yourself. So like a bad golf game, I'm playing against myself, which I hate doing and losing to yourself is even worse, but I will play the round and I will try not to lose.

Dirty old men

My wife casually let out she has been sleeping with this 58 year old geezer and was upset that she had to always come home and couldn't spend the night over because of the kids. Sleep over? WTF has this b*tch been doing in my absence? 58 years old, do people live that long? 13 year age different, dirty old man, hairs growing on his back, doin my wife, yuck, the visual has me nauseous.

OK before one you fairies chirps up, "Well Chris doesn't you wife deserve the right to be happy to have some one new?". Let me cut you short, the answer is NO. It's my world and I get to create all the rules.

I can already smell the mature ones out there trying to formulate a harsher reality, "Chris - haven't you been living with Tiger Cub and didn't you already cheat on him, now is all this fair?". Yes, all is fair in love and war. And god help Tiger Cub if he cheats on me, weaselly black mop of hair, I'll drop him so hard he'll shatter into a 1000 pieces. Cheat on me, think again.

I have dual standards, so sue me. It's been working for me so far. Leave me the hell alone - I'm a little stressed, can't you tell????

I'm happy my wife has found someone, but emotionally it's difficult. Another man doing your wife and I have to sleep in the same house with her. I've honestly been trying to get on to the next stage of the game and I will. A nice clean break is needed but with the economic turmoil that may present some extra challenges. Now what?

I'm still here

How is Chris doing? Gee, I thought you'd never ask. I'm doing OK, thanks for the concern, how are you?

I keep wondering how this story is gonna turn out and hence I keep writing to document it all. The rules thus far are amazingly simple, be honest, be honest with yourself and those you encounter along the way. Don't put up with the crappy people, but invest in those who you respect and who respect you. Live, try things out, the gay life is new and different, but remember U-Turns are legal. Try not to hurt anyone along the way.

I've certainly made my share of mistakes, we all have, but sometimes its not about "how" you got there but that you simply "got" there.

I've come clean to my wife about Toronto Chris almost all the lurid details and sadly the two of them are likely to have more fun together than with me. I'm not cool (as Eduardo once told me, he still rattles me, TC's fur raises at his mere mention) but luckily cool people like me.

I've become comfortable that anyone who enters my life will find two sons and a ex-wife in their social circle and if that's not for them, it's what I've got on tap. Toronto Chris has already met my two sons and while the youngest found him a "bit fruity" (his own words), he's my fruit of choice and my son understands it makes Dad happy and so he's OK with that. TC is doing fine.

People write me, in various stages of their own experience, sadly their stories aren't always so fun. But they, I hope, will find peace in time. William had said his own "coming out" was the most tortuous period of his life, despite being young & single. My own situation more complex? Not really, I took a lot of detours. Skip some steps yourself.

Now with a bit of hindsight, things should have been clearer, certainly would have been easier. But we live and learn. I move on, you should too.

Did I mention Eduardo, awwww, damn, now I'm gonna have to go dig up some more cute Latino pictures?

Yes indeed

Thanks to the many of you who comment or email me with your thoughts or advice. Always nice to get input, though I usually don't need input, the facts are generally right before me, though sometimes I don't like to look at them too closely. But, I'm accountable for my actions, I looked in the mirror this morning, damn, I'm all grown up now. Guess I'm not getting the child discount any more.

The problem with advice is it's based upon what you know, what you're values are, how you see things and where you are on this treadmill of life. Sometimes things that are quite obvious to you, are blind to me. So I get input, of course, we all do, but as William used to say, you have to own your decisions. He was right.

Poor Tiger Cub is scared, horny and the ground beneath him is less than solid, it's all quite tiring, waiting. The reality with all that's now happening, it makes me less than ideal for any sort of relationship. I probably wouldn't qualify as decent date material for the moment. Homeless and a career skidding, but I work high tech and have seen this movie before, I'll be fine.

Toronto Chris is enduring, standing tall, at 24 he might be better served with a nice casual relationship, "see you next week, we'll go to dinner, maybe have a sleep over" sort of thing. Keep it light, but I don't roll that way unfortunately, my game play is far too serious. I'm sure he rolls over in the middle of the night and wonders what he's gotten himself in to.

It simultaneously scares the sh*t out of him and attracts him all at the same time. We all deep down want someone to really know us, to love and be loved, to make us feel that sense of togetherness. But it's a commitment and not something you can turn on or off on a moment's notice.

Welcome to my playground.

Get your tickets now

As we move into the fall season, it's time for a recap (which I do periodically). Where am I? I just wish Google maps could help me out. Welcome to my lovely blog, let me catch you up as Season 4 gets underway here at Fag Central.

Season 1- started in 2006 with a lovely picture of a happily married man, living a idyllic life in the suburbs of Washington, DC with his beautiful wife of 15 years and 2 normal teen age kids. A stressful job situation and a cute work colleague 9,000 miles away unhinges a hidden desire in Chris, the main character, a desire for guys. So our main character, Chris (that would be me) starts exploring around in the gay world. As long as you don't inhale, you're not gay, right? The season ends with Chris seeking therapy, hoping to pray the gay away.

Season 2- Chris's gay situation rolls out into the open with the admission to his wife. More therapy follows. It's a real tear jerker. Chris tries to be good, but falls off the wagon. He moves out for a while into the Washington gayborhood and gets scared by all the bad fags. Oh dear! He moves back home, hoping this has all taught him a lesson, but alas, it hasn't. In the season finale, Chris figures out he needs to move out for good.

Season 3- Move out Chris does, he moves to London England, far from home and is all ready to be the roving queer. Only Chris's heart is quickly taken by a 24 year old Canadian guy, 23 years his junior appropriated named Tiger Cub. They quickly move in together, initially as a convenience, sparks flying as they try to adjust to each other, but in the end this awkward couple finds true love for one another.

As Season 4 opens, Chris has returned to the United States to find his career plans in jeopardy, the financial world in shambles, his wife now dating someone new, the 24 yo love of his life has returned to Canada and anxiously is awaiting the opportunity to re-unite. The complications are many, the solutions few.

Yup, that's what's here to read. It will take you awhile, but hopefully it might just help you.

Bless me lord

"I really like your hair", my wife is telling me, we're sitting at our massive Italian farm table in our casual dining area. "Thanks", I reply. "Whose been cutting it?", she asks. Ah what the hell. "{Toronto} Chris cut it, why?", I throw out, awaiting the concussion from the bomb. "It's looks really good, do you think he'd cut my hair?". Jesus f'ing christ, women and their damn hair. Sure, I'll ask him next time I see him.

The conversation continues, we're both a couple of glasses of wine in, she wants to know all about Toronto Chris. So I let loose. Almost the entire story. Living together, love, wanting to get back together, residency permit issues, the age difference, the sugar daddy factor, and most important our feelings for each other. I'm almost out of breath at the end of the story.

"Well, Chris, I have to say you're a different person, you're more relaxed, you seem happier, like before all this happened. If {Toronto} Chris is making you happy, and I think he has, I hope the two of you can figure out how to be together, he sounds like he cares about you", she concludes.

I feel like the Pope just blessed me and I'm not Catholic.

Adding to the list

Toronto Chris is a bundle of nerves. His friends in Toronto asking him questions about his life and he unleashes a torrent of emotion on them. In a perfect world, he'd like to live with me in central London, working and enjoying life. Of course that's discounting work & residency permit issues and forgetting what I have on my plate at the moment.

Important though is what does Toronto Chris really want? What's the root thing? The primary deal point. I think we often cloud our judgement by inserting too many considerations or variables in a personal decision.

It's simple - do we love each other and want to live together? If the answer is yes, then it doesn't matter whether that's in London, Cologne, New York, Washington or Virginia Beach. We can love each other anywhere and figuring out how to be together is mere logistics.

But if the answer is "I love you" but we have to live {insert name of city}, well now things have gotten conditional. Does it mean you don't love me if we don't leave in {city}. Not helping Toronto Chris is each of his friends has their "opinion" on what he should do. We all ask for opinions from our friends, but none us ever seem to like the answer.

I encountered this dilemma in my own coming out. Was I gay? How gay? But I'm married. But the kids. But my friends/family. But my job. But my age. But but but. But the reality was I liked cock (sorry to be vulgar) and unfortunately that was the primary deal point. Everything after that was merely incidental.

So it basically boils down to what's important to you, it's not conditional or predicated on a sundry list of everything else. This is where you need to focus, think hard, and sadly no once else can help you.

 

Home sweet home

So here I am. A newly out middle aged man with a wife and two teenage kids looking for a new relationship in a world that I don't fully understand, recognizing that no matter what I can offer, I have a long term continuing obligation to my family. I can see all the boy toys lining up outside my door, hot property that I am.

Imagine that in the midst of this, I do find someone who accepts me for not only who I am, but what I can offer them. I found him in the most unlikeliest of ways and in a young package I didn't think was possible. Toronto Chris has shown me both passion and love and a respect for my family. Perhaps that's why I like Latino-Asian influences, a deep understanding of family.

But for the moment, Toronto Chris is out of reach. Woe is me. It's certainly not tragic, but clearly quite sad. Sad indeed.

I am home today, but I am not home. A guest in my own house. A disruption to the new daily flow my family has found. The book title, "You can never go home again" seems most appropriate. But yet here I am. Now where do I go?

It's never good to dwell in misery, life being too short and things really not as bad as they seem, a little time and distance gives everything prospective. But for a minute, I'll allow myself to be miserable.

P.S. I love you

I'm not going to make it. Toronto Chris has been gone now for five whole days. I know it's been 5 days, because I used all my fingers up this morning counting. I miss my puppy.

It's not a matter of me wanting to run off the ranch for some sexual romp. This last stint in Cologne solidified things, I miss him and I want him back. Today would be good and only he will do, sorry ManHunt.

I miss the early morning hours when I awaken and my 6'2" frame snuggles up against Toronto Chris's thin toasted body, which contours to accommodate me, my head buried in a swirl of his long black hair. I miss us talking about all kinds of things for hours on end. I long for the random hugs we exchange passing in a hallway. I even miss the random little tiffs we get into ("TC, Is this your sock in the refrigerator?!!!??!?").

For I have discovered intimacy. A massive exchange of information, love and affection in a single caress. A feeling of both pleasure, comfort and security from a stolen kiss in an elevator. A moment of one as TC falls asleep on my shoulder, our hands locked peacefully together. It's been elusive to me for years.

Yes, it's sappy and maybe I need to write HallMark greetings (a distinct possibility in the next weeks). I wonder whether I had those for my wife in the early days, now so long ago? Maybe this is something new. Something that I should have had all the time, only I didn't know. Now I know.

We're human and in our daily busy lives we often fail to make time to stop and enjoy the company of our partner, the person who really matters. It's not about that bouquet of flowers, or the dinner out, it's an effort to have that intimate moment. The moment where you both flow together as one.  It's a nice feeling, isn't it? Try and go out and have one today, send me the bill.

 

Pick a card

Tiger Cub is stressed. Back in Toronto, he caught up with one of his good friends, who basically asked him "WTF are you doing with your life you're almost 25?" Well Toronto Chris has spent the last 2 years seeing the world and now he's waiting on me. But he's still worried, "Chris - I'm almost 25 I need to do something with my life, I have to be on my way by the time I'm 30".

Choices. Sometimes we even get to make them ourselves. Me? I'm sitting with a financial storm brewing, my own company could tell me to return to home base, have me return to Europe on a new mission or fire me in a layoff. I won't have much of a choice.

So calmly I told TC, he needed to scout out what the job situation was in Toronto, look into going back to school and sad as it may be, if that's the right choice for him, I'd be 100% supportative. He didn't like that answer, it would likely mean us parting ways, a loved one slipping under the waves. Sad indeed.

Much better would be for me to go JR's (a local gay bar) some Thursday, hook-up with whatever is hanging on the hooks there that night and me (Mr. Obvious) getting caught by TC the next day. He could then fly off the handle, tell me to f'off, slam the phone down and never talk again. Nice n' tidy.

I have my own mess and clearly I don't want to string him along or drag him into anything that's not a good long term idea. I want to do something myself, to make a change, make it happen. But I have no buttons to push or levers to pull, I simply need to have patience. Hope for the best, plan for the worse. This story will be told in the next weeks.

The rest of the story

This is Tiger Cub. Or rather, this is Tiger Cub at 6 a.m. last Saturday morning brushing his teeth, naked and a tad drunk, standing in Russ's kitchen, wet like a rat, his hair matted and soaked after getting lost for hours in the wee hours of the rainy morning, wandering about in crime infested Washington, DC. This is who I've devoted a great portion of my life to in the last year. Ain't he cute?

I told you I'd tell you the rest of the story. So shortly after writing my blog entry in the early morning hours, Toronto Chris manages to find his way home, a bit worse for the wear. I pull off his soaked shirt, strip his jeans off and towel dry his hair. A glass of water, brush teeth and off to bed I shuttle him. I take good care of my pup.

But I'm mad at TC for coming home late, upset that he left me worried and so there in the early morning hours I violated him with a fury I'd never had before. Anger sex. F*ck you, sex. I wasn't interested in whether he enjoyed it, there was no foreplay, no precursor, just me doing my thing, regaining my dominant position. Forceful and with authority.

Perhaps I wanted to rein him back in or punish TC for his misdeeds. But he got it and got it good. The whole time I was thinking how much I cared for him but that I was mad.

Now at no time was TC in physical danger, I'm have limits, and sadly I think he actually enjoyed the rough play (what next a whip?). But I realized how abusive relationships can happen. Anger or jealousy coupled with a desire to be wanted, needed or cared for. In recent weeks I've heard more than one story about truly abusive relationships. The ones that go over that thin line.

With TC and I, for each event, trust and understanding is created, a bond tightened, the relationship furthered, it's good to be alive together.

The photo was available from 7 a.m. to 11:41, at which point it was discovered by Tiger Cub, whose little sharp claws took a swipe at me to behave.