My wife left yesterday morning with notice that she would not be returning home until later that evening. Her "stud" boy was back from the Middle East and obviously needed a good shag. So I played dad and at 10:30 p.m. she ambled back into the house, hair a bit unkempt and carrying a little overnight bag.

How disgusting. Some 57 year old who last week was humping a camel is now doing my wife. Flab, gray thinning hair, no hair, worse a bald spot, wearing pleated pants. Some deputy economic adviser raking in government contract dollars to help the helpless. I'm gonna be sick.

I don't look 47, I'm immature, fun, high spirited, boundless energy, creative, youthful, clear skinned on, and and and. A 57 yo, give me a break. I hoping I'm dead by then.

At least have the decency to go off for the weekend. Get a hotel room. Make a night of it. Dinner, dance and then screw. But to meet him at his house the same day he lands, jump in the sack for a little fun time with Bobby and then come home to the kiddies. Just sounds pure animal to me. Is this the elegant woman I once married?

Maybe I should just post her on craigslist, urban cougar needs to be do'd for NSA sex romp, pop round for a noon'er.

Yeah, I should be compassionate, caring, considerate and probably something else with a "c". Nah. Too much work, not enough pay back. So no, I don't like it, and no, there's nothing I can do about it, so I shall just stew.

So before you post some little "helpful" or snide comment, save it, go watch your stock portfolio decline. NO COMMENTS TODAY, nahahnananan -- I can't hear you.

Well, my boys don't like me. I'm talking about my sons, my children. They're teenagers and in a rebellious mood. But they're finding it awkward to deal with me, their live-in fag.

The oldest one doesn't want me to drive him anywhere. Scared to be seen in public with me. The youngest doesn't want me to hug him, crying out "it's inappropriate". I feel a bit of distance from everyone. My wife going out to get banged by another man tonight. The only warmth I get is from Toronto Chris on video. Where is that Monty Python song, "Always look on the bright side of life?".

I'm more troubled about my kids. Teenagers are a tough read, focused on themselves for the most part. The world revolves around them (gee I thought it revolved around me). But what's the right path? Is there some unsaid things? Mad at Daddy? Confused about things? Unsure themselves just how to handle all this?

Should it remain in the darkness? Or is this a family forum type of thing? I suspect we're in the don't ask, don't tell area of the game board.

Kids are used to having a mother and father. It's their base of operation. Their rock until they find their own island to operate from. An faggy ass or not, parents splitting up shatters this stone. My youngest son is livid that his mother is seeing another man. His mother needs to be his father, it's that simple.

So many unanswered questions. I want my kids to be balanced, accepting, tolerant (all the things I'm often not). Am I doing the best I can? Probably not, you can always do better. But will we make it to the other side intact. I hope so.

We all have drama in our lives, but please don't stop living while it's happening.

It's a slow news day for me, so in the attempt to spark increased readership, time to roll out a cute boy. I know, I know, he's white and not usually my type. But during these trying times, I'll do anything for ratings. I hear Toronto Chris hissing already.

I'm talking with a CA colleague last night, he's inquiring about what I possibly did to piss off the CEO of my previous company to get myself whacked. I told the almighty the truth. It you don't do X then Y will happen and you'll be f*cked and since the CEO didn't want to do X, well, my first year logic class helped me arrive at the immediate answer, he and the company would ultimately be f*cked. CEO's with big egos seem to always live in the land of make believe, a place where they can be right all the time.

Damn, I should have been a CEO, thinking about my own situation, make believe would be great right place to live right now. My wife's new boyfriend (assuming he doesn't kile over from old age) is returning from the Middle East this week and she's all antsy about me being here. Well just WTF does she expect me to be, Siberia?

The last thing I wanna do right now is set-up a flat in DC (gunshot sounds outside my window) and then a month or 2 later pack up and go elsewhere. Plus my office is here and expenses are low. Suck it up, it's what I've been doing for 16 years and it's what I'll do tonight as my pillow hits the guest room bed. Life sucks, now get over it.

As an early Christmas present, I've booked Toronto Chris to come back end of next week. He'll be 25 and I realize he may not be able to scamper around as much as he did when he was 24, I'll just have to go a bit slower for him.

PS I'm starting to think white may be the new brown.

I'm living in a spare bedroom, I'm working in a spare bedroom, my life for the moment is in a spare bedroom. This is my life, a measured 13 x 13 room.  My wife is all quite pleasant, she cooks wonderful meals, coffee is standing ready in the morning, we sit and watch the news, my clothes get washed and I'm generally left to my own devices.

Unfortunately, this bitch in one bad ass mood. It's like walking around with a rattlesnake in the room. One wrong move and I'm going down. I've rationalized about my need to stay home, bad economy, life's turn of events. My checklist is complete. But it's all BS.

You gotta face facts. Sleeping with boys and being married, well that just ain't a good combo, no matter what the guy at Jack in The Box is telling you (or how hot he is). The excuses loom. But I'm in my comfort zone. Or am I?

No, I'm not comfortable. In fact the whole house isn't comfortable. It's all strange. I'm not sleeping well, in fact, I only sleep well with my brown pup tucked securely under my arm and where the f*ck is he? In some deep freeze in Canada. Great.

I see this all as hard and you have two options. Shirk from responsibility or step up to the plate. I don't care about this n' that, that's all tactical. Life is too short not to do the right thing. So I'll give myself until the New Year, but this base camp, I'm in, is temporary. It will be time to pack up and get underway again soon, first of the year, Alpha 5 moves out. Come along, bring your own damn rations.

At 2.45 a.m. Toronto Chris is on the phone with me, he's just returning from some elongated wedding reception AND he's mad at me. Seems there were a bunch of "my types" at this wedding and he was imagining me chatting them up and getting jealous about it. I must be a bad dog, 'cause only I can get into trouble and not even be there. An art perfected.

But Toronto Chris is hanging in there. He's not your typical 24 year old and having experienced others in the under 30 crowd, low maintenance. Course it's taken me almost a year to get him trained. Good thing, he'll need every bit of that training in the weeks ahead as I tumble through my own situation.

All of the long term readers know I've held on tightly to him and he to me, through all these up's down's. If you bet, you bet wrong.

Do you have the patience to wait? Wait for what you really want in life. Hold on even if your friends tell you to let go. Weather a down, when the prospect of an up are long gone. I remember a bad job situation I got into in my 20's. I was sorry horribly miserable, I thought circumstances were never clear up. Every minute of every day was excruciating. It did clear up eventually and now 20+ years later those days are a mere blip in the story of my own life. I guess that's what you'd call prospective.

I fire my week up, you do the same, focus on the future, because it's here right now.

Toronto Chris alternates between long showers and sex. Which would be fine, except the sex generally involves me too. Like a 24 yo baby, he needs to be fed several times a day. Arriving in Toronto, I gave an Oscar award winning performance, but in the course of the weekend my performance varied. I proudly managed to land the plane each time without killing any passengers, but let's just say a couple of the final approaches were a bit bumpy. Are you people following all this?

TC is quite understanding. I decide during sex to do my most serious thinking. Not a good combo. I'm stressed about my living situation, work, financial, how much I missed TC, will miss him, want us back together and I like to factor in world peace (just to show my softer side). Not helping was one afternoon having MSNBC going in the background and me calculating I'm getting a $40,000 blow job (I'm romantic aren't I). Where is the spice? Not far away I soon found.

One night after parking my walker outside, TC introduced me as "his old man" to a group of his friends. Nice huh? Later back at the hotel, I brought up the whole "Daddy and his boy" element. Well one thing lead to another (as my stories tend) and an entire role play theme wandered out. It was hot. Daddy knows how to take care of his boy, it turns out.

Afterward, TC and I laid there, "that was soooo wrong", we both said, too close for comfort. We can't tell anyone. So you keep it a secret too.

On another night, Tiger Cub got some wild hair and decided to try and wrestle me down. My 185 lbs against his 135 (138 when fully loaded with ketchup chips) isn't much of a match. I simply picked him up and tossed him against the hotel room wall. Well that lead to us tumbling around the room banging into things until my cub went down in a blaze of glory. Getting some ice, I returned as the couple in the next room emerged and gave me one of the dirtiest looks possible. Yeah - guilty as charged.

Time wears a path in all relationships, but I hope for all us that our relations have elements of surprise, understanding and compassion forever. Put a fresh coat of paint on tonight.

The traffic in DC is snarled, 8 billion police on the street, roadblocks abound with the G20 meetings happening and I'm locked in the car with Andrew, my Stanford friend, we're making our way to dinner with Russ and SSK (super sexy kitten). Andrew shyly says, "Can I ask you a gay question?". I'm busy honking the horn at the world and screaming obscenities at neighboring cars (I'm prone to road rage, where is my 9mm). What what what?

I've found that now that I have the "gay" merit badge, people like to start talking to me about sex. Woman telling how big their husband's cock is (or not), details of their sexual life and asking me all sorts of intimate questions. Guys shyly ask stuff too. One of my straight friends is telling me that he's being seeing prostitutes (after 14 years of marriage).  What am I? Ann Landers?

The other night, Tiger Cub and I out with his best girlfriend and her boyfriend. At his house, I'm checking out his darkened office. "This is a good porn viewing spot!", I venture. She quickly protests that her boyfriend is getting plenty of action and NO he doesn't need porn. Tiger Cub and I quickly jump on this topic, her boyfriend emerges and we hound him to answer. "OK maybe a 2 or 3 times a week", he glumly looks at the floor and disappears into the kitchen. "WHAT!!! You're looking at porn!", she exclaims. Tiger Cub and I are rolling on the floor laughing. At least he was honest. But most of us aren't.

Toronto Chris and I talking this morning about gay and straight couples. In evidently one partner ain't so happy with the sex. But they don't talk about it. The reason we gathered, if you bring up the topic and it isn't dealt with properly -- well it likely just got worse. So you don't and like some silent killer, it lurks in the shadows.

If you don't think you're do'ing it enough -- well you probably aren't.

Prof. Tim is alone in Chicago this weekend and advising that the Latino community is missing me. Ah my brown boys are soo sweet.

I'm burning into the weekend, I'm liking being unemployed, work is just so highly over rated, wondering whether I can make a career out of it? Reconnecting with many old colleagues, looking at shiny technology objects. Let Rome burn for the moment, new stuff will come in it's place. I'm going to be ready. Patience my student.

Tiger Cub needs to be do'd again. Yelping on the phone. Damn - didn't I just do'd him Monday and now he needs attention. This summer we made it almost 2 months apart, and previously we made it 2 weeks apart, now it's less than a week. At this rate, I'm gonna be dead in a year.

The reality is we've grown closer together with of these challenges. Relationships aren't truly validated until you've hit some rough seas. But constant storms aren't good either. I realize this is Toronto Chris's first "serious" and most long term relationship. I watch him carefully (stuffing his face with ketchup potato chips), he's trusting his instincts and emotions and is laser focused on making our relationship work (and keeping a hawk's eye on my tendency to chat up boys, I keep telling him I'm a catch n' release hunter).

TC is sensing & feeling, I have been surprised with his often spot on prospect about things as he offers me advice. Along the way, Toronto Chris has shown compromise. He's adjusting to me, knowing where our comfort zones are, turn on's and off's and little nuances that we all have. At my ripe ole age, I admitted to him, I may be more difficult to change, the concrete having set long ago, sadly he may have to show more latitude than I can offer.

Compromise, latitude, changing - a relationship is like flying a helicopter, a balanced act of coordination of all your senses.

During the weekend in Toronto, Tiger Cub predictably spent most of the time "testing" the hot water facilities in the hotel and alternating back to the bed with his head under the covers where he would occasionally take a swap at me as I walked past.

At dinner one night, one his friend's inquired as to whether I would considering moving to Toronto. High taxes, freezing cold weather, sure why not. Toronto Chris's eyes raised and he slowly said no. Later I asked him why not. Toronto is actually a quite nice place and clearly not as wacky as America.

He started to explain that he wanted to get out of his "hometown". But as he continued it became apparent that his life would be continually awkward if he were living with me. Toronto Chris's large immediate family (all living in Toronto) would struggle with the concept. He could never imagine his family accepting me and it would always be strange situation for everyone.

I questioned him a bit about this. Mayyyyybe ... if I were brown, part of the same ethnic culture, closer to his age and they liked me (who doesn't like me???). Maybe it would be just OK. Talk about equal rights. Though, I quickly understood what he was saying.

On my own front, I applied for unemployment, a total of $1,550 a month. Considering the poverty income level for a family of 4 is $21,200. It's clear to see how you can't count on government to help you out. Hey but it pays for dining expenses.

As much as I fall down, I also can fall up. European company interviewing me on Friday for a new position in Europe they've been wanting to fill. Wish me luck.

To find a girl, date, select a mate. That's the right thing to do. Enjoy early couple life, get married, have a baby. It's the right thing to do. Settle down, raise a family, enjoy your family. You're on the right path. Later, bask in the golden years, watch your family multiple, impart your learned wisdom while holding on to your mate for life. This is how life should be. This is how life is for a select few.

But you're not living that life. You're living a different life. It's not better or worse, it's just not the right thing to do and yet you are doing it. Yes yes yes, don't give me some BS about diversity and "love thy neighbor" crap. The forward momenteum of life as we know it, the middle majority that serves as an anchor to life depends upon people, couples, a man and a woman who follow in this well worn path. Life must indeed go on and the gays sadly aren't helping the cause.

But you didn't choose this life. It chose you. No one is at fault. Nature playing a strange game of Russian roulette and you lost. So you must play the cards you got, play them well and play them with honour.

As a father and a husband, a man who loyally tracked the well worn path for 16+ years, I know all too well how this story is "supposed" to play out. But it didn't for me and it won't, so boo hoo.

I write to you as I call from within my own strength. The strength to carry on into the unknown and the hope you will accompany me on this journey. 

As fall gets underway, wanted to recap things if you've just stumbled upon this story here. The profile links on the right are indeed the best places to start. It's now over 2 years ago (May 2006) that I began this gay experience and 18 months since I've started writing this blog. You'd think I'd exhausted all my material, and yes I've made good progress, but there's a piece bit more up the road I need to go. Climb aboard, this train is leaving.

Married guy goes fruity isn't as unusual as you might think, all sorts of people write me from all over the world, you're not alone, happens everyday. I've grown most comfortable that whatever works for you, well that's what works. So long as you're being honest with yourself and those around you. Unfortunately, most of us aren't, at least not initially.

I've recognized that gay guys are deep down all quite fragile. They all have a story to tell. A burden they keep. I have one too. I'm not immune. I be they now. We all be homo (I like to speak in simple sentences for my Latino treats). So if you're feeling a bit fragile, well you're doing fine, keep going.

You may have become a sexual whore, or not. You may desire a long term relationship, or not. You may be happy just alone, or not. You may be out to no one or everyone, it's all your choice. But make sure you make a choice.

Me? I have my wife and two teenage boys. All in the know. I have many friends now in the know as well. There's Russ, my straight single friend and others who I've entrusted along the way. Last but not least is Toronto Chris, my boyfriend for approaching 1 year now (depending on how you count). You'll hear a lot about these core people as you read.

Where be I on this journey? Who the hell knows. Further than I think, but still not far enough.

I'm sitting on the can, hoping for some inspiration. The bathroom, toliet, WC, the place where we all sometimes do our best thinking. Alone with our thoughts. No one dare bother you.

The challenge is always to be honest with yourself You gotta be your own toughest critic, friends will always try and pump sunshine up your ass. I am currently unemployed because I f*cked up. I went radio silent and disappeared in Europe, while clueless executives were looking for me to pull some rabbit out of a hat and were paying me handsomely to do it. Alas they got nada.

But I invested one year trying to figure out what a 'gay' relationship looked like. I'm glad I took the time, it will save me later down the road. I realize I did not have the best game at the moment. But I also realize that no matter how smart I may think I am, I can't help the helpless. My previous company is helpless, I know how the story plays out from here, there will be no happy ending, it's called the death spiral. Executives think they're even smarter. God love'em I haven't been wrong too many times.

One of my friends runs a hedge fund, he's calling to check in, I tell him my plight. I'm poking around in my network of contacts, in theory looking for a job. "Why are you looking for a job? Why do you want to work for the "man" again?", he asks. "It's time to go do something else, it's time for a change, you know what you do well, so get on with it and f*ck this job search bullsh*t". A good point.

As I've written before, I find most people are f*cked up because, well, they wanna be f*cked up. Life is pretty simple and thus if you're unwilling to change, risk a little, rely on your instincts to guide you, well don't be surprised if the compass doesn't move off the current heading.

2008 is almost done, I did accomplish quite a bit. 2009 is in the wings. Time for a new, slicker Chris to emerge. If you've been reading for a while, I hope you think about your own life. I may come off as a total pessimist but deep down we all need to be eternal optimist.