My Journey Out

A number of thought provoking comments in the last days, one reader in particular climbed up on their soapbox and exclaimed how my wife must feel having lived a “life of lies”. Good point.

I don’t think my wife feels that way. We had a great life together, it’s been a loving relationship, we’re great companions, she has two great kids, a home she’s proud of, an active social life and a great rewarding job in education. Ain’t great a great word. She recognizes there is a part of me that perhaps I didn’t fully realize, but on the whole I was who I had advertised.  Course you’re welcome to ask her yourself.

A key point is until the last blip of our marriage, I was loyal, trustworthy and devoted. I severely regret the moments where I went off reservation, but frankly, it probably couldn’t have been helped. I did a full disclosure and begged for forgiveness. I took my lumps and resumed flying right. If you can’t trust someone, how can you possibility build or maintain a relationship?

Now I think the story is a wee bit different for those married guys who have been living on the downlow for years. Whoring about on a business trip, Manhunt, Craiglist, god knows whatever else. Thinking and doing are two very separate things and once you start the doing, you kinda of have a definitive answer and it’s truly a character flaw if you can ‘t recognize it. In these cases, once the full depth of the lies is revealed, it clearly has the power to crumple the tower of trust.

On the other side, a friend of mine is involved with a married guy with kids. The married guy finally broke down and told his wife. Well his wife wasn’t too happy with it, thought it might just be a “phase”, told him to break it off and resume married life.  He’s trying but sucking cock is not a phase , it’s a life style. What part of delusionally does this couple not get? In their case, they’ve both agreed to lie to themselves. Hope that works for them.

One of my biggest flaws is I just tell it like it is. I have no filter and I have only a single news feed, everyone hears the same story. I watch people craft their messaging depending upon the listener and how they want to be perceived.  Fuck that, too much work and in the end, you’re not even sure what the truth is anymore. Politicians suffer greatly from this.

My point is do the right thing and do it as soon as you’ve got the facts, be mindful of other emotions but mainly be mindful of your own. Days it will be a rocky road, hard on your barefeet, but hopefully others will eventually recognize you attempted to do the right thing.

Drama, it would seem, is never far from my door. For the last two weeks, Toronto Chris has become increasingly prickly to deal with and looking to get offended at anything I say or do. Conversations have become one sided, focused on his problem de jour. I understand him all to well, he’s perceives he has a lot of stressful things on him and he does, work (the fact he has to put in 45 hours a week is a killer), where he is going to live, parents and somewhere in that mix I have some role.

Two days ago, he got mad at me about some innocent comment and hung up the phone. I’m patient. I waited and called the next day, he answered, said he was mad at me, why, you know why and hung up again. My follow-up calls and emails have not elicited a response and no point banging my head against the wall. I stopped.

Long term readers will no doubt recognize that we’ve played this game before. I say something that pisses him off. He growls around. I play nice, he hisses a bit more, some sweet talk and down from the tree he comes.  Yup. But this time I fear it’s different.  TC is young and immature, no one likes to be told they’re immature, we all are to some respect. But he is. Unproven and untested. Like all young people, he wants everything now, on his terms and with no delay and forgetful about what he has, more focused on what he wants.

Before you start commenting, “I deserve better”, “You shouldn’t tolerate this“, save your words, I’m afraid this story will need to play out until I say it’s over. It’s my call. I’m the captain. You are merely a spectator waving to me as I sail away (let me know if it says Titantic on the side though).

You know your relationship is in trouble when you stop communicating. In fact, I see this in other couples, they stop talking other than perfunctory stuff (“where are my car keys”), a divide starts to form, a gap appears and suddenly there is distance where there was none before. Now this person, who previously was your partner is  someone you feel you don’t even know anymore. It will take great effort by both parties to pull things together.

I don’t mind arguing, as long as love & respect are still the core ingredients. Arguing forces your emotion, like squeezing the last glob from that tube of toothpaste, great energy for relatively little return. At the end, exhausted, you hopefully conclude it was simply wasted energy. The one to fear is when silence take hold.

We shall see what happens with my young brown partner. I can ‘t suddenly stop loving him but a crack is indeed developing.

Over the course of this week, some poor sod spent 6 entire hours of his/her life reading this blog from end to end. I’m not sure whether to congratulate them or have them committed. If I could only figure out how to charge per page, I’d be rich, rich I say.

I am back to lonely times and comforted solely by the prospect of being in Toronto in the next 10 days. There I will deal with a snarling tiger who has developed the feared mini-diva syndrome for which there is no known cure. Though I have some home remedies I’m preparing.

Prof. Tim and I talking today about people in bad relationships. I remembered an investor mental hangup about buying and selling. When you’re selling, you’re actually having to make two decisions, one, the decision to sell and two, what to do with proceeds. It conflicts many investors who often wait too long to sell.

It applies as well to relationships. If you’re in a relationship, you have to make a decision to end it and as well figure out what you want to do with yourself. Men are horrible at this, the thought of being unattached once you’ve been in a LTR is scary (straight or gay). Should I leave someone? Is it as bad as I think? Will I meet someone else? Will they be better or worse?

If you’ve been a prancing fag all of your life, you’ve got a whole network of queens to bitch about with, a gaggle of girlfriends to talk the latest fashion and a entire string of hook-ups you could Redux if you so desired. Not been doing that you say? So you’re home with the kiddies, your big weekend is a little league baseball game and oh boy the new lighting in Home Depot makes a difference. Is that your Saturday night out?

I/we/you/me have got to extend our circle of friends. I’m not talking a fruit cup talking like a valley girl who clear coated his fingernails. Or some butch bear dude with a twinkle in his eye and a sling in his basement. I’m talking normal people. Real cock suckers. They exist, surely they must.

So my flight mission, if you will go with me, is to find normal guys. Normal meaning comfortable with themselves. Not queeny. Not hiding from the world. Not married. Not in a relationship but looking on the side. People you might bond with, have a decent conversation. These homos get all bitchy if you get too many of them together, so best taken in small groups.

Failing that, there is always the power of brown.