My Journey Out

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Toronto Chris and I spent the afternoon talking today, he gets all quiet when something's bothering him and I just get in his face until he lets it all out. He did and suddenly our good communications have returned. Testament to the relationship and the power of truth, tell the freaking truth, all the time, no matter what, it will serve you well. I was a bad dog and I knew it.

I ponder why I ran off the reservation so close to seeing TC again. Perhaps I'm still a gay teenager, desireous to see and touch everything, intrigued by all the guys around me. Ego fueled when some twenty something professes interest. But I'm not a teenager. I'm all grown up, the time for this type of behaviour long gone. I missed it for sure, but I have so much else in my life to be thankful for.

"Chris - I have a secret as well to tell you", TC shyly says. I bury my head, biting my lip, preparing for the worse. I just knew my little slut had something to tell me, f*cking little whore. I brace for impact. "Chris - I'm really not 23, I'm 24, I lied to you about my age." What? "I'm going to be 25 this year". He looks all serious. This is your lie? Your secret? TC still is looking rather stern. I don't even know how to react. 24, 34, 44 who gives a crap (OK so 44 is definitely past my expiration date). I burst out laughing, TC still looking rather serious. My puppy. And with that, we got our relationship back on track.

But curiousity killed the cat and TC clearly has gotten curious about me. He "Googled" me for the first time and was suprised by the number of hits. Yes, I really do exist.

Unfortunately, this blog exists as well. This blog for the last 6 months has mainly been about the relationship between TC and I. While TC has read portions and professes he doesn't really care, the blog purpose was to document a married guy and his coming of gay age and not details of a personal relationship.

I'm going to do some thinking about how to proceed from here. I may simply stop, the overall mission of this documented journey now sufficient for someone else to follow and hopefully help someone in need. Till then ...

Tears

Toronto Chris is here with me in Cologne and we've been having a great time. I'm sleeping like a log, something about having him next to me puts me at ease. He's been hinting that we "need to have a talk". I've been making jokes about it, talk about what?

For those fast readers, I wrote a blog entry about me having a semi-sexual one night stand with a guy named Ryan in DC last week. Sex didn't happen but I was so disgusted with myself about the whole indiscretion that I removed the posting. I'm not sure why I did the 1-nighter, but I did and I'm not proud of myself for it. I don't keep secrets well and many moments I've wanted to come clean with TC, but I guess the no good for nothing guy in me came out and figured since I'd gotten away with it, just let it keep on getting away.

Unfortunately, in the 24 hours that the post was LIVE, Toronto Chris with his super ESP, realized I was up to no good and he picked that moment to google and find my blog. He, of course, read the entry about my less than honorable behavior and after 4 nights here with me, dropped the bomb on me this evening while we were sitting in a bar. "Chris - I read your blog entry 'Shit Happens'", tears were welling in his eyes, "why didn't you tell me about this?".

At the sight of tears, you know you've caused someone a great deal of pain, it was also at this point I realized how much I love him. The fact that TC came to Cologne and has been living with this painful "secret" for 4 days, makes me realize how much he loves me in return.

There are no excuses, no reasons, no explanations for my less than honorable behavior. I fell on my sword, confessed everything and begged for forgiveness. I can only hope that he sees a better person in me than I do in myself right now. I am once again deeply saddened by the pain I have cause someone.

Why I write this blog I have no idea, it has been the source of much personal regret, unfortunately it mirrors my real life. So I will do my best in the coming days and hope I can rescue the relationship that I so desire to keep with TC for he is indeed a better person than I.

Ahhhhhh

"How are the girls over there", Toronto Chris's Uncle is asking him over the phone. TC stumbles a response. "Well you keep a eye out at for a good looking for one, now", his Uncle closes off. "I will", TC replies.

Hanging up the phone, TC is shaking his head. "Why does he always ask me about girls?", TC looks to me for an answer. Sadly I don't have one. At 20 paces you can spot that TC is gay, he enjoyed playing with girls when little, had a barbie doll, wore glitter in his hair as a teenager, is a hair stylist and boyfriends have slept over at his house. He's never hidden who he is to his family which includes his Uncle. TC likes guys, that simple. Right now he likes me, oh goodie.

 

But his Uncle and many of his family aren't prepared to accept his sexuality. The resultant conversations are often a silent awkwardness on topics related to love interests or in the case of his Uncle, a sheer disregard for who Toronto Chris is. So here at 23 years old, Toronto Chris either has to re-assert on a daily basis his sexuality or suffer in silence. In either case, it's on his mind.

I sense this is my next big looming issue. Who do you tell and when? I suspect I'm leaning toward just being me and f'u if you can't deal with it. I've watched too many older guys, who don't have woman interests, act like no one knows what the real deal is. Better to just get on with it. Similarly, I've met queer as folk 20 year olds, queenie as they can be who profess that "no one possibly think they're gay". Get over it, they know.

In fact, as much as we like to hide ourselves, people see thru us and the more suspicious we act, the better fodder for muffled gossip we make ourselves.

On a personal aside, I'm slowly weaning TC off his 3x a day habit, I can feel my toes again.

Do it again, are you serious?

Toronto Chris and I are out last night in the city. We're in an outdoor cafe having Flammenkuchen, a medieval pizza from the Alsace region of France (Germany speaking). It's an ultra thin crispy bread with a little cheese and toppings but no tomato sauce. Chris is happily munching along and talking about having sex again tonight. We'd already done it twice during the day. "Are you trying to kill me?", I ask.

We go on to talk about what normal sexual appetite is. Having been married to a woman while secretly liking guys, I realized I'm not in touch with my own needs. What exactly is normal for me? Once a day, once a week, twice a month? Clearly there is no hard & fast rule (hard and fast - did I just say that?).

I've talked to my married and gay friends (in relationships) and it's not hard to find dissatisfaction. Inevitably, the bitching partner is complaining they want to do it more while their silent partner is generally happy with whatever the current frequency is. Perhaps the bitching partner finds other outlets, innocent to start, a little Internet porn, flirting in a bar, but what happens when it gets stepped up a bit. Not hard to imagine a regrettable incident.

I wonder why couple just don't talk about it. Actually I don't wonder. I lived the "don't talk about it" part already with my wife and hell bent not to have it happen in my next relationship. I told TC that no matter, I was going to force us to talk about all things personal and private, a "no secrets" policy.

I've surprised myself in how candid I will be with TC. 3-way sex, porn, toys, crazy things. I'm a pretty straight laced guy, but I don't want there to be any limits to what we would consider as a couple to make each other happy. If we aren't open and willing to make considerations to our partner, it creates a pressure deep in the relationship.

I'm by no means an expert offering advice to you, I barely heed my own advice myself. But defaulting to honesty is likely the best policy. Meanwhile, I just hope Toronto Chris doesn't kill me with his rabbit like needs.

I love my long hair boys what can I say.

Like a rabbit I am

At 9:45 a.m. the electronic exit door A1 at the Frankfurt Airport whooshed open and out rolled Toronto Chris. Welcome to Germany. I had arrived from Boston at 5 a.m. and had been patiently waiting at the airport for him. Despite having showered and breakfasted at the Lufthansa Senator Lounge, I was beat from the long previous day and flight. An awkward hug, we eye'd each other cautiously as we made our way to the high speed train to Cologne.

Once on board the train, the Germany scenery flashed outside the window at 185 mph. I reached over and caressed his ear and he gazed back at me. My pup is still very much in love with me, his eyes gave him away. Once in Cologne, we napped, shopped, biked and tried to stay awake as the inevitable jet lag ripped into us. A light dinner, it was finally dark now, I dragged TC up into the bathroom, drew us a herbal scented bath, placed tea lamps all around and opened the roof windows so you could see the stars above and there in the candle lit dark we sat together in the huge enamel tub talking. Relaxed and exhausted, the cool night air descended into the bedroom as I took advantage of my Tiger Cub for the 3rd and final time that day and with that fell fast asleep. I would not awaken or stir again for 10 hours.

All I am thinking is how awful this experience might well have been if Toronto Chris hadn't been with me in the past 9 months. The lesson learned is your energy is best spent on finding that special person versus slutting around or time spent with someone of lessor quality, no matter how fun it may be for the moment. I'm going to try and be more honorable going forward.

The Road Ahead

I'm airborne tomorrow a last series of meeting in the U.S. before heading back to Europe Tuesday night. If all goes as planned early Wednesday morning at 10 a.m. local time I'll be standing at Gate A18 at the Frankfurt airport, Tiger Cub should come wandering up the gangway and with that a new chapter in our story will begin.

Having been home in DC for the last 2 weeks, I've had a busy social card, renewing contacts that have been dormant for many months. I've enjoyed being at home, banging around the house. But this isn't my life anymore. I made some decisions, that I'm going to have to live with. Being a bit of a nomad for the last months has been fine and I suspect I won't find a settling point until next year sometime. You just gotta roll with it.

I'm thankful Toronto Chris is with me. I'm not sure how this adventure would have been without him. From his vantage point, he's taking a huge risk, leaving his home, friends, family and placing his trust in me. Now the reality it isn't such a big risk, what's the worse that can happen? He's going to be a long ways from home.

He can't admit it outloud, but he's looking for love. There's always the fun person, the cute guy, that someone you enjoy being around, but love is different. It's state not a feeling. So we're both off to explore together the "state" of our relationship. No need to wish us well, it either is or isn't.

Prof. Tim shows up in Germany on the 20th and I've re-jiggered our weekend travels plans, the 3 of us are going to London. TC and I miss the excitment of the city, we'll hit our fav restaurants and haunts and Prof. Tim is sure to have agood time. We'll save Barcelona for just the two of us.

It will be quiet for a couple of days, try not to miss me.

Ratings week

Nothing like a little controversy to spark ratings and my comment about "treat him like a woman" obviously struck a nerve with some readers who blasted away at me. If I was wondering whether you were there or not, guess I know you are.

Women and men are quite different. It's well documented. I enjoyed the 1989 book Brain Sex which talks about the differences in how men and women think and feel. Quite detailed with interesting tidbits, Chapter 8 speicfically talks homosexuality. The Chapter begins by pondering why 4% of males may be classified as homosexual whereby only 1% of females are lesbians. Why is that? The Chapter takes a stab at explaining. It follows not necessarily widely accepted research by a East German scientist. The belief is we all start off with a female oriented brain and change through a series of events. The book is a detailed version of the better known Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars.

Toronto Chris is definitely more female thinking, with a heavier weighing on emotional and sensing than I. We were talking today and his tone changed as I hit what I thought were his worries. The desire to be loved and understood, the need for security and the hope of a full and successful life. Everything else around those elements is just noise.

Tiger Cub loves me and it's not about taking care of him better, it's about understanding what he really wants and trying to provide it to him that will show my love for him. I do struggle with gay guys, unsure what side of their brain to appeal to. Thus I apologize if offense were taken. I'm still planning on slapping him on the ass though (old habits die hard).

Mothers know

A break from serious. In the midst of it all things, I always try to see the humor, silliness abounds if you just look around. Toronto Chris is a pack rat. He saves everything and has drawers full of half wrinkled scraps of papers with little notes of this and that. Unfortunately, read enough of them and you have a trail of his life.

TC's mother and father clearly want to know the truth about his life. But he can't tell them directly and they don't want to hear it directly. So they have some strange arrangement of listening to him lie, acting like they believe it but quietly seeking the truth. His mother has this habit, if she finds something noteworthy, she sits it somewhere prominently in his room. A signal, "I found this, I know". But they never talk about it.

So TC is readying himself for Germany. He's concocted some wacko story and tells me this is game he has to play. So about a week ago his mother found the hotel receipt for our visit to Niagara Falls and of course it has my name on it. His mother leaves it on his dresser. No questions. His story had been he was going with some girls down to Niagara. Oops.

Yesterday his mother finds the emailed flight plan for TC's visit to Chicago (when he supposedly went to Montreal) and similarly, my name is all over it. To make matters worse, my family name is clearly German and no doubt Mom has pieced it all together now.

You could say this is a adolescent thing, but I watch all kinds of relationships where the truth is never spoken. We wanna know, but we don't wanna know. It seems like a whole lot of wasted energy and perhaps deprives you of a fuller relationship. The power of truth.

Women, I'm surrounded by them

I have temporarily removed two postings (for you astute readers) for personal reasons. I'll re-post them next week. They need a little distance.

Well my bout with crabs is over, Toronto Chris is sulking, the number of his daily phone calls have decreased (to a mere 1 now) and the energy of our phone conversations is down as well. He's upset about this crabs incident. I suspect his best girl friend is egging him on that I've cheated on him. He asked today if I really want him to return to Germany.

I've been trying to be supportive but after today's phone call decided it was time for a different tactic. I wrote a blistering email to him asking him to consider "why" if I cheated on him would I bother to tell him about the crabs? Wouldn't I just get them cured and be as quiet about it as possible. I have nothing to hide and I wanted to be honest with him.

I then turned the tables and asked him to consider my position, namely, "What the f*ck have you been doing, puppy?". This case of crabs didn't come from heaven. I was on a roll now. I went on how I'd gone for HIV testing to assure him and happily answered his numerous bed check telephone calls, noting that because of his living situation "I can't call you whenever I please to check up on you".

I concluded that perhaps we may never know with 100% certainty what happened, but that I was going to just power thru this with my love for him. "Pack your brown ass up and get on the damn plane to Germany because I'll be waiting at the end of the gangway. Take your scrawny self home and screw you senseless."

If he's going to act like a women, I'm gonna treat him like one.

A few hours later, he sheepishly calls. "I'm just calling to say Hi!". He's all sweet. Did you get my email? "Yeah, I'm just calling to say Hi, I'll see you next week, OK."

If you don't know me by now

Thanks for being one of the couple of hundred people who read this each day and to those who comment and follow regularly. I'd probably write even if you weren't here. But it's comforting nonetheless.

I need to post a caveat though. If you've been following along for the almost 500 postings over 2 years, you've developed a mental picture of me (yes I'm hot or maybe not), an opinion of the people in my life (sweet or slutty Toronto Chris) and an image of the fairy tale setting I'm leading (jet setter that I am).

Unfortunately, you're probably wrong, I'm not anything like you think, I'm not better or worse. I'm just different. I can empathize with a celebrity (which I'm definitely not) whose fans think they know that person because they saw them on the "Tonight Show" or read some interview in Details magazine. As much as you think you know me, you don't.

The roots of this blog were simply I was a middle aged married guy facing a serious question and I wanted help and found precious little on this, the Internet. So I write for you, in Grandville, Michigan, who spent at the end of July hours clicking around here, reading each month one by one, visiting every day for one week, never commenting and never visiting since, I hope it helped you. Good luck in your quest.

Seeds of doubt

How ironic, I cheat on my wife and now 2 years later I find myself facing the prospect that Toronto Chris cheated on me. Let me tell you it feels a lot better to be the cheator than the cheatee.

Being cheated on says I'm not good enough for you and it deepens further to say I don't respect our relationship and finally it hits bedrock with the whole issue of trust. Cheating thus seems to be the single pill method to f'up whatever relationship you're in. It's the leading cause of break-ups for gay couples. Guys and their dicks, not a good combination.

You can easily accept someone's apology (I screwed up), but things often are never the same. But a greater power does exist, it's the power of total forgiveness and only the cheatee can grant it. This relationship chemo treatment wipes the slate clean, resetting not only the bad, but also the good deeds that were previously done. It's a massive white-out, best used sparingly.

Total forgiveness isn't easily granted, for it is a virtue of the weak and an ornament of the strong. The cheater must come to fully understand and appreciate the great sacrifice being made by the cheatee in granting forgiveness and for that moment, the cheatee is a better person than they. From this, you hope, new found love and respect can be found.

This situation with Toronto Chris won't be resolved in a phone call and is best served in person and my maturity (or stupidity, sometimes interchangeable) is allowing me to withhold judgement for the moment. Time answers all questions.

Months with an "R" in it

My crabs epidemic is now over. Thank you all for the get well soon cards. Unfortunately, my emotional turmoil is far from over, it may just be beginning. How did I get crabs?

Logically, either I got it from a sexual encounter or infected bed sheets, not more complicated than that. A sexual encounter could have been with Toronto Chris or someone else. Infected bed sheets would have to have been from a hotel.

The infected bed sheet is the current story. But let's see, hummm, in 25 years of travel, over 70 nights in different hotels a year, I never have gotten anything. Seems to reason this might be a bit remote. Nonetheless, there is a chance and it's this chance that I'm holding on to.

Now on to the sexual encounter. I may have had contact with someone other than Toronto Chris. This is the theory my friend Prof. Tim seems to have (thanks again Tim for your support). Unfortunately, I've been a 100% loyal in 2008. As well, had I cheated, my ego would have propelled me to write a "tell all posting" for your entertainment. 

So I'm left with the remaining option that TC fooled around. Fooled around? Getting crabs entails more than a sloppy make-out session or a quickie blow job. It involves full on get naked ride'em cowboy contact. The thought of which has me quite upset. But what to do?

The bed sheet story has raised the eyebrow of everyone I've asked, generally followed by questioning my belief in the tooth fairy. If I've been good (and I have), it stands to reason that TC is the culprit. Unfortunately, he's not confessed and professes his total innocent

If TC cheated on me, I'd want to understand the how and why and depending may find myself unable to forgive him. I understand he's 23 and horny and I'm away for a long period. Prof. Tim (who has meet TC) continues to think TC's a keeper, a loyal boyfriend and not likely to have strayed. The problem is there's an element of doubt now.

I'm going to leave this for the moment, but clearly one night when we're together in the future, I'm going to bring this up and hope that the truth prevails.

 

Don't miss the Season Premiere: "I'm back"

I struggled whether to tell you, dear readers, this. It's personal. But in the spirit of a "tell all" journal, I guess I have to keep to the rules, so here goes. I have crabs. Perhaps more technically accurate, I had crabs until about 6:30 p.m. last night.

Since returning to Germany, almost two weeks ago, I had an itch down you know where. I figured it was the heat, a rash, sensitivity to a new laundry detergent, or something like that. It's been driving my crazy, particularly at night. I was planning to go see the doctor in DC. So last night, I arrive home in DC, Russ has invited himself over for dinner (he misses me). Before he arrives, I take a detailed look-see at my privates using one of those illuminated magnifier lamps in my workshop (any resemblance to some porn flick you've seen is purely coincidental).

OMG. OMFG. Did I just see something move down there? My heart is racing. I extract one of my new guests using tweezers and look at him under a jeweler's loupe. Damn, it's a little creature. I'm on the Internet in a flash for info, looking at the time and wondering whether my family doctor is still in. Luckily, the Internet is full of help (and glamor photos of my guests) and the cure is simple enough and only a couple of blocks away.

Russ arrives as I'm running out the door to the chemist. "I have crabs and seeking immediate medical assistance", I say, hurrying past him to my car. He yells back, "Well I guess your little Tiger Cub hasn't been as loyal as you think." I quickly obtain the simple OTC medication and on the ride back home am thinking, "damn - Toronto Chris has been lying to me, my pup's got some s'plaining to do".

I lock myself in the master bath and administer the treatment. You have to use this little nit comb to remove the eggs attached to the hair follicles. I take a magnified look at the comb. OMG. OMFG. How much shit is living down there? I decide to take a more radical approach, shears in hand, my friend and his two best buddies are swinging free and clear in just a few minutes, the bald eagle.

I call Professor Tim, who in usual fashion is unfazed with my life threatening news. "Oh that's easy to fix, I had that in college." Yes, you had that in college when you were a f*cking slut. I'm living a life of chastity, this ain't supposed to happen to me. What next the clap?

Now for the big call to Toronto Chris, my Tiger Cub, my pup, my f*cking no good for nuttin' lying screwing around piece of shit soon to be ex-boyfriend. He freaks out with the news as I relay all the gory detail. He's got to go, his parents in the room. "TC - I need the truth from you, it's OK", I silently fume.

An hour later, Toronto Chris calls back, he's totally upset, worse, he's talked to his best girl friend who immediately believes I'm the one whose been whoring around. You can imagine the tone of our conversation. He's got to go out again, he'll call back.

In the ensuing hours, I read more on the Internet. Crabs has about a 5-7 day period from date of arrival until date of symptoms. I'm doing the math, Chris and I were in hotel rooms together in Canada during those dates and it's possible to get this from bed linen and towels. I realize I had mentioned some weird feeling in my crotch in Niagara Falls. Suddenly, it dawns on me that neither of us may have been whoring around.

Professor Tim calls again, "you need to be nice to Toronto Chris, he's gonna freak out". No shit. "So Chris, I know him and don't think he's been up to any mischief, he's a keeper and very loyal to you, I told you that, so tell Prof. Tim the truth, what have you been doing?".  Me? Up to? It's just great to have friends who believe you. NOTHING. I've been locked up in my apartment with nothing but porn.

It's now 11 p.m., Toronto Chris is at the Wal-Mart pharmacy calling me with his dad's mobile phone. "What medication did you take?". Chris - you don't have crabs. "I know, but I wanna do the treatment too, I'm scared." Oh my little tiger, you don't have to worry, we've both been loyal to each other.

God the drama.

Never drink at the airport

I'm airborne tomorrow, back across the Atlantic I shall go. Nothing to report. I'm under house arrest again. Staying at home, being good, with Toronto Chris calling twice a day.

Toronto Chris's call from Sunday, I realize, was a housekeeping one. He wanted to sort out a bunch of emotional items he had on the shelf. Emotional items don't have long shelf lives and left unattended begin to rot. I love those couples who fight about things left unsaid, the silent wars. Such a waste of time. Deal with it fresh, tastes a whole lot better. I'm glad he did it. Keep the lines open at all times. No matter what.

My father will be 80 next year, he called me the other night to check in, for the first time I heard a frail element in his voice. He's alone after 3 marriages and lives his life in a 10 mile radius from his home. I wonder if he's happy and how much longer he has or even if he cares. More important - I wonder what he would have done differently?

What would you do differently? If you hear me humming Frank Sinatra's "I did it my way" well, you're too old for me to start, but when do you begin living the life you want? All of us have many masters in our lives, but sometimes I hope, you let yourself be in charge for some moment amount of time. I'm powering up, I smell a new game afoot, September's is gonna be different.

Now I turn my attention to the really important stuff, namely, will the champagne in the Red Carpet lounge be cold enough for me tomorrow. :-)

A maze of issues

Toronto Chris called yesterday with a brief "How are you, I'm fine". A few hours later though he called again, this time he unleashed a sea of emotions on me with enough topics to have me writing into next week.

Strong on his mind is his family's acceptance of his gayness. TC has a huge circle of family and they're all quite tight, such is the brown culture. Unfortunately, there's little acceptance of his sexual status, at best he gets tolerance. His mother hopes it will just go away. His father publicly announces TC's best girl friend is his "girlfriend" when that couldn't be further from the truth and he well knows it. Other family members either don't ask about his guy relationships or pretend he's looking for a woman.

His parents are certainly tolerance, more so than you'd find in the US, his boyfriends have had sleep overs at his house with his parents fully aware. But its' the tolerance rather than the acceptance that's on TC's mind. Whenever a situation arises about his orientation, arguments quickly ensue and then each party sulks back to their corner. No resolution is ever reached.

TC wants to send his parents a long email after he gets to Germany, an edict, if you will. He's going to start telling them about me and more so about himself and how he is and hope their tolerance will segway to acceptance of his sexual orientation.

I have much angst for Chris. In the midst of trying to be a young adult, he's got to fight this battle. It's tough going for him now many years into the process. It make me wonder how my adventure will turn out.