My Journey Out

Epilogue: The journey ends

Well friends, after 2 years of blogging, it's time to say good-bye.

It's not just that the quality of my writing has deteriorated, but that the story is really over. I've told all I can tell. I started this blog to help me and to help you; you that silent visitor who appears and reads every posting. You were looking for information and I hope my writing helped.

There's been a cost for this blog though. Personal regrets for things I've written. People can't keep a secret. Last week, my blog was such a hit inside my former employer I ended up blocking access from their domain. Trust no one or trust everyone, but pick one. We all lead such boring little lives and are seemingly fascinated with those who color outside the lines.

I walk away stronger than when I began. More confident in my abilities, more tolerant of others and respectful that you may see the world differently than I. The great relationship with my wife and kids continues after some bumps. Those are the people who matter. There are 6.7 billion people on this earth, rapidly discard those who don't respect you, for there are many others to take their place. Professionally, I'm taking more risk, realizing I have all the skills I need to accomplish the things I wanna do.

I hesitate to offer you any particular advice. Your situation different. The challenge with any decision, is that doing nothing is always the #1 option. Often that's the best choice, but sadly it's equally often the default one. Unfortunately, that leads one to steer around the issues in our lives. We're all to happy to legitimize to others the poor decisions we made. In the end though, it truly is all about you and you need only answer to yourself. So do what's right.

Now on to the top of the porch, to the top of the wall, I dash away, dash away, dash away all.

Where I'm going? How about to the grocer

With Toronto Chris up in NYC for the weekend, I invited my two boys to spend a night at my new place. My wife in dropping them off, comes in to inspect the apartment as well. Like cats in a new home, they sniff about, my wife ooohing about the kitchen (pretty nice). They ignore that Chris has his stuff scattered throughout the apartment. Acceptance will come later.

The kids busy themselves with the Xbox on the large screen TV. A short while later, we're walking over to the grocery store and catch up with a group ahead who turns out to be none other than Eduardo, his brother and friend. We exchange some pleasantries. The world is just too small. My kids smell this is someone I'm not supposed to know and quickly accelerate ahead. They want no part of this. Nor do they ask.

Later that night, I'm telling TC about this random encounter. He immediately starts hissing and growling. Ha, so predictable.

The flat is quiet today as I work along, happy TC is heading home tonight. I'm glad he's here just period. I'm not sure how I would start-over. While one might say TC is hanging on to me, the reality is I'm hanging on to him just as tightly.

Relationships part 2

Toronto Chris and I have been busy, getting the apartment up to speed. Add in two consulting gigs, a start-up have me looking for the bed at 10.30 each night.  TC is off now for a long weekend in NYC to visit his cousins.

I bought the ticket and gave him some pocket money. Last night on the couch, he started sulking. He realized how dependent he is on me right now and in a city that he has no other business being in, except for me. Despite words to "our home", it's really "my" home, my name on the lease, all of the belongings mine sans his clothing. He worried I could just say good-bye to him at any point and he'd be left with nothing, time wasted, back to zero. Me - I'd find some new replacement.

We talked about it. There's really little legal binder between gay couples, often you're together solely at each person's leisure. I'd assume it begats relationships between equals, both partners having similar incomes and some distance in co-mingling their resources. I should be with some mid-30's (see how I'm maturing!) professional. But I'm not. I'm the older more monied one with  a legacy family and he's younger poor and just starting out. Clearly imbalanced.

TC is risky position at the moment and I recognized that. Sadly, it's the only thing I can offer him for the moment. I may be a good guy today, but will I be one tomorrow?

I'm entering the realm of understanding second relationships and the peculiarities of a gay one. I'm not sure you need to wish me luck, but I worry for TC that we jointly make the right decisions for each of us.

I'm still here

The BMW 750il is barreling down a cold Conneticut interstate heading for Boston on this wintery morning. Dan, a business associate, and I are in the back, his Columbian driver is silent and I busy myself reading the New York Times as Dan explains the merits of his 4-hour work week program while demonstrating the heated and air conditioned seats of the limo. Dan blows my mind. No matter how well you think you're doing, someone else is gonna be doing better.

The BMW pulls up to the chic downtown restaurant, I step out into the 5F air, lucky I'm only 10 feet from the entrance. Money does have privileges. Dan has organized a meeting with a potential investor in my new crazed idea. Daddy needs to focus on money, enough on the homo front.

Back home, my 25 yo Tiger Cub can't fathom what his "Papa" does for a living, but he's discovered World Market and been busy accessorizing the apartment. He's got flowers, candles and other scented shit all of the place. Tiger Cub spent 2 hours picking out sheets for the bed.

For the inauguration, we head into the gayborhood for a drink, JRs a mainstay in the gay DC scene. It may be Sunday night, but there's a line-up to get in. I'm going along, TC wants a night out. I wish I had someone like Prof. Tim (Chicago) to hang out with in DC, but TC immediately notes I'd probably go back into whore mode.

He's probably right, need to be happy being the kept man I am.

Boxes and boxes

With a 99 cent shower curtain and a 42" inch plasma TV, it appears that Toronto Chris and I have struck on a good balance on getting our little apartment set-up for the important stuff. Like some mad race, I've hurried to get everything in place as quickly as possible. The weekend was stressful, but the place is livable.

TC has been quite domesticated, putting the queer touch on things, organizing my clutter, our little home is nicely coming into shape. He insisted on this huge wooden floor mirror for the bedroom (dirty little tiger), little good it's done him, I've fallen dead asleep in seconds each night exhausted.

So we're making progress, I'm sleeping like a log, TC all curled up next to me purring away. My wife has sent a number of cooking magazines and kitchen tips to TC who is eager to please me with his skills (assuming he doesn't kill me with his cooking first).

I'm used to being with someone and no doubt, having TC here has severely reduced the pain. He seems contented as well (watching "Housewives of Orange County" as we speak, gag). We continue to turn the pages together. 

Status

A quick update. Tiger Cub and I have secured an apartment in Virgina. New, hi-tech, super kitchen with granite and stainless, quiet, an office area and only a few minutes walk to the subway and then < 10 min to central DC. TC would have preferred to be in DC, but like the cat he is, I left him to wander the new 'hood for a couple of hours and he proclaimed it livable.

We're both a bit anxious as we roll into the weekend. Not so much about living together, we're fine on that front having already lived together for for most of the last year, but this time it's going to be a bit more serious, the game is changing, we both know it. The reality of it all will set in in the next days.

I'm at home this afternoon, packing, it's a bit surreal, an entire house full of stuff, my stuff, but I will take only the bare essentials, a desk, chair, bed, computer, clothes, linens, etc. I find it difficult to fathom after so many years that this will be my life going forward and that I leave with scant little.

This would be difficult alone and with a nasty family situation. But Toronto Chris has poured the love on in the last days and my wife has been supportive as well. I'm glad to stay away from the gay world for the moment. Plow ahead, nose down.

It just keeps getting better

I know I'd said I'd stay on topic. But this is just too funny not to pass along.

The other night I hurried home after the chance encounter with Ryan and Toronto Chris in the same bar. I realize the gay world is small, but I'm not comfortable with TC and a guy I cheated on Chris with in the same bar. Call me a coward, I accept the badge. Well, TC comes home an hour later all happy, seems he fired up a conversation with Ryan, who is "not a bad guy" and they're going to go out together for drinks again next week. I can't win for losing.

The next morning, TC at breakfast, is eying me suspiciously. WHAT? You wanna tell me what of your other flames has been emailing you? Hummmmm. So the reality is that Richard, a 22 yo black guy I had meet in Chicago in June 2007 had sent me an email just the the other day, I'd read it on my Blackberry but hadn't responded yet.

Basically, Richard had stood me up in Chicago in July 2007 and I'd not spoken with him since. Richard, of late, had concluded I was actually a very nice guy and he should have been nicer to me and was apologizing. Fucking aye, right, nice I'm downright wonderful.

Well, I figure for the sake of FULL disclosure, I'd let TC read the email on my laptop, so I fired it up, clicked on the email and sure enough there was the message. Unfortunately, in addition to the message, Richard had also enclosed five nude photos of himself (which didn't appear on the Blackberry, sic).

Toronto Chris is immediately on the ceiling hissing and clawing. I'm back pedaling like Richard Nixon on Watergate. Well after TC calmed down he saw that I hadn't corresponded with Richard since June 2007 so email date stamp was my saving grace

BTW Richard has a lot to offer and we'll just leave it at that :-)

Never a boring minute with me

Toronto Chris arrived last night and we spent the entire day looking for apartments and being lovey with each other. Unfortunately, this all ended about 9:30 p.m this evening. Drama with me is never far away, generally at my own doing.

TC wanted me to order something for him online and I did, but using his computer I also quickly checked my email and unfortunately, I failed to log off. TC, being the curious critter that he is, took advantage while I was in the other room to scan my emails.

In late December, Eduardo had written me to wish me a Happy New Year and glad to hear, after indicating he was reading this blog, that TC was coming to town. All respectful. I, of course, replied with a slanted comment thanking Eduardo for the note and indicating I was sorry we hadn't gotten together for a dinner, but was glad not, because I still liked him. Now this was stupid, which appears to be my primary game in the gay world.

Well, TC goes into tears about it. Now recognize, I haven't seen or spoken with Eduardo in 18 months. Nonetheless, I'll admit failure on my behalf to act like a gentlemen. Predictably TC storms out (I'm used to this scene). I call him a short while later (I got him a mobile phone) and he tells me he's out a local DuPont bar. I call his best girlfriend in Canada, tell her how bad I am (which she already well knows) and urge her to call him (using my own telephone credit card no less).

WAIT. This story isn't over. I'm feeling all bad, so off I go to this bar and quickly find TC outside talking to his girlfriend. Good. Unfortunately, I hear the distinct accented voice of Ryan somewhere in the bar. Ryan, if you will remember, is a guy that I hooked up with last summer in another bad demonstration of my morals. Wth similar stupidity, I 'outed' myself about this incident to TC as well.

I wisely (a rare word about my behaviour) stay outside and actually wander down the street. Toronto Chris, still on the phone, ambles down and yells out to me, "I know Ryan's in the bar, I recognize him from his facebook page as one of your "friends"".

I have only one option at this point, I tilt my head backwards and scream to the skies, "is there no god".

Therapy for the kids

If luck holds, come this Sunday, my little brown pup (fattened from all his Christmas meals) will come trotting off the plane in DC and the "New Adventures of Toronto Chris" will begin again. The new venue - Washington, DC. Stay tuned for a  posting next Monday as I attempt to stay on topic.

"Why don't you go f*ck your boyfriend!!!!", he exclaimed. This would be my 13-year old son getting mad at me last week. I was astonished, speechless. In a previous moment of rage, he'd called me a homo. But this was pure anger.

I wasn't sure whether to just kill him on the spot, take everything away or what. I remained speechless. The 13 yo is the emotional one, he's been the most impacted by all this, he wants mom and dad together, life back to normal. Despite the relative calm here, this is brewing deep within him. The 15 yo is pretty cool about things and hasn't shown anywhere the same level of emotion.

Discussing options with my wife, does he need a therapist to talk to?  Do we need to discipline him for these outburst? We decided to continue to monitor the situation and maintain some our continue civil behaviour.

At this point, the 13 yo is angry at both my wife and I (more "I" than my) and I don't think either of us can do anything about it. But I am pondering, who can he talk to about this? He's more like my wife who didn't get much value out of therapy, nothing wrong with either of them, both have this Germanic "won't share feelings" attitude.

I do think it important to just maintain an even keel no matter what, he will ride through this and if we can remember to forgive his outbursts, life will go on. However, we are seriously considering offering him some therapy outlet once school resumes.

As a closing note, I've stopped reading most of the older "coming out blogs". I see too many of these guys stuck in repetitive loops, "I'm married, I have kids, I'm gay, I hook-up, I go home, Why isn't my life better?" {repeat until nausea}. Life is too short, either accept who you are and the way you wanna play or change the game and move on. Either way you're blog is clogging up the Internet and slowing down my porn.

Until we speak

I've been writing this blog for almost two years covering a common topic, married guy turns out to be gay and what happens next. At the time there were few Internet sites talking about gay guys who are married and with kids. So I wanted to help myself and help others by keeping this daily journal of my life.

While I'm not fully out, I'm comfortable with myself but as Brian, my previous therapist had said, you'll always be coming out to somebody forever. I've been lucky in most regards, avoiding many pitfalls, my curiosity helped me figure out the gay scene (if that is indeed possible) and I managed to find a loving boyfriend that despite rough patches, continues to hold on to me (primarily with his sharp little claws).

In a nutshell, I guess I've arrived. Yes, I will have to deal with other family members, friends and work associates, but that's mere tactics on an ongoing basis. But I'm not cowering in a corner concerning about my sexuality or who knows and how I will deal with it.

With that in mind, I'm gonna pull back from trying to post every day and when I do post it will be on topic, "My Journey Out". I don't wanna talk about other topics, gay rights, my secret brownie recipe (yes I did inhale), postings of hot boys (I know guilty), lurid stories of sexual intrigue (OK - I said I was guilty. give it a rest).

Enjoy your holidays, I'll be back when I've f*cked up something else (likely won't be long).

Wet my whistle

Friday, out in Adams Morgan, Russ and his girlfriend (SSK) and I are double "dating" with Peter (my Stanford friend).  Peter's GF has already left for her parent's in California. Why do I always get stuck with the tall white geeky ones? All the college boys home for the holidays as well (damn).

I'm drinking and numb. Russ, who'd had some sort of bad day, is taking pots shots at me. Unemployed, F'd up family situation. F'd up living situation. F'd up boyfriend situation. He's in a mean spirit and normally I would fight back. But I don't. It just washes over me.

The next morning Russ calls. "I want to apologize to you for being so mean to you the other night, I'm sorry, you're dealing with things the best you can", he says. Apology accepted, I move on.

I'm mainly concerned about drinking and decide I need to stop for a while. It's not that I have a problem, but alcohol clearly is a mood enhancer. If you're in a good mood, you'll be happier. But I'm not right now and it shoves me down a darker passage. A place I don't wanna me for the moment.

We pause for a commerical message

I wanted to get Toronto Chris something personal for his birthday and it was killing me. Just some thingie wouldn't do it, it needed to hit an emotional note.

Look at the 3000 photos we've taken in the last year, I decided to a photo album for him and stumbled upon www.blurb.com that offers coffee table style professionally printed and bound books. Decent software let me add capitions and I spent several hours composing a tongue-in-cheek narrative. This is a photo of the back and front cover. Yes that is T'C's luggage in a London hotel, he packs more crap when he travels.

The printing takes 7-10 days and on the day TC was heading to the airport, Fedex delivered the 11 x 13" 32 page book. The quality was stunning and I highly recommend the service.

TC was appreciative and carted it on to the plane with him and away he went. But it wasn't until a few days later that his best girlfriend sent me an email (which she never does) telling me how much that meant to TC and that he was truly touched by the thought.

Guys in general don't like to reveal their thoughts and hate it worse if they do that they don't get some form of acknowledgement. We're complex beasts despite our own wishes. So you can see, if provided me a great deal of comfort that she (a woman) brokered the emotion.

I'm still in woman mood BTW.

Hollywood Squares

I'm in a woman mood this afternoon, it's raining in DC, not in the holiday spirit, Toronto Chris ain't here, he video ins and I get all emotional on him. I just wanna slap myself and not in the good way.

I've been more emotionally needy in the last 2 years than my entire lifetime and I hate it. My ship entered this scene hardened to deal with whatever and I've dealt with it. Hard to believe that Tiger Cub has been a stabilizer in my emotional life, but he is and I'm lucky.

Bored on this rainy day, I am scanning gay meetup venues. I know, I'm predictable. Yes there are plenty of "hung white top looking for submissive brown bottom" adverts and enough faceless no shirt dudes or just "dick" photos to make me feel like a medical examiner.

But intermixed is the occasional sincere one, the guy who has burnt himself out in bars, hookups, online chatting or whatever scene and finds himself suddenly alone, desiring of a relationship that perhaps has a bit of depth, but totally unsure of just how to find it. A needle in a haystack.

It's been 2 years since I've patrolled through match.com and I'm struck by the number of people I still can recognize and still active on the website and there are hundreds and hundreds of guys to choose from. All looking for love.

I'm not sure this is any different from the straight single world with perhaps a bit heavier spin on sex and dick size. But it can be a lonely ride.

Chicago or bust

I'm going to Chicago for New Year's to see Prof. Tim. Bought my ticket. I'm telling our mutual friend, Paul. "Chris isn't that a bit long to stay with Prof. Tim and his partner", he ask. Prof. Tim's partner will be in Mexico and it will be just us two. "Oh dear god, the perfect storm, the two of you can sniffing around brown boys all weekend", Paul exclaims. Tiger Cub? He's up in a tree hissing at me. But something more important is afoot.

I found this blog by a young guy writing about his coming out experience. He's not had many experiences, mainly just in his mind, he dreams of boys all day long, he's turned off by the heavy sexual overtone, he's not into gay bars, he's tried various online chats. He's quite sincere, he's looking for a nice guy, but he's equally tormented by a desire to hide his sexuality and whether it's right or not.

I wrote and he wrote back. I'm not trying to hit on him, but I wanted him to know I cared in some small way and hoped he would find his way, that the only person who had all the answers was himself.

Reading his blog, I realized I am lucky to have Toronto Chris. He loves me. He's quite comfortable with himself and it's made me more comfortable in everything from being in public together to sex. I'm a different person because of him. He's hung on to me through everything and I to him. We're gonna make it to the next stage I think.

All my young blogger needs is one good experience to happen and his world will open up as it did for me. Happiness could be just around the bend. I hope so for him.

PS I know it's freaking Leopard, I watch Animal Planet!

No good for nothing Tiger Cub

I've been on the verge of a major breakdown. It's layers and layers of stuff and I just can't process it all. Some of it's good, some bad, and some just unknown. It's the unknown sh*t that really gets me.

Tiger Cub finally get around to locking a date to return to DC, January 2nd. Only problem, United Airlines has no frequent flyer tickets on the 2nd, or the 3rd and only 8 p.m. on the 4th. Well just f*ck me.

Tiger Cub also doesn't want me going to Chicago for New Year's, because he's sick with fear that I'll go pawing around. "Boys are out looking not to be alone on New Year's", he warns.

I need to get my own place, it's not that living at home is not working. It's just not working for me.

On the business front, it's all up in the air. My crazed new idea has got a $1m commitment, but we're still working the business case on whether we wanna take the money. If it's a go, I'll have to stay here.

A large German company is reference checking me for a position in Munich and will likely decide go/no go in January. I'd have to move to Munich probably ASAP.

A meeting with the President of a large Japanese consumer electronics house at CES in Vegas in early January will decide whether they want to proceed with a multi-year consulting arrangement, with me doing most of the work. The Japanese are sending signals that it's a done deal. I can live anywhere for this gig. It's not full time, but then again I rarely like to work that hard.

Finally, an old friend called, he's planning on whacking a bunch of his 6000 employee company come January and saying he "can find a home for me" after the carnage. I can live in New York or across the river in Hoboken.

Finally, the Presidential Inauguration has resulted in no short term housing in DC in January and promises to be a mess of epic proportions if I'm in the middle of moving.

Choices. Not all of these are gonna happen. Sh*t will fall through, get delayed, never materialize. But in the midst of all this, I'm hesitant to make any move, fearing I'm not on solid ground.

I've become such a victim of Toronto Chris. I will do anything to have his toasted brown body purring next to me as I sleep. When he's awake, I'm usually just pissed at him for something.